Feel kinda sick today.

Went so low last night that I went and took my fluoxitine. It must be helping - if only a little.

My period started a day or so ago too - which is weird, because I'm on the pill - and shouldn't start my period till next week.

See? even my body is fucked up!

I started feeling sick last night actualy - though I don't know why.

Spoke to Stuart - got upset with Arron - hugged my pillow to fall asleep - couldn't cry.

It's as if all my tears have dried up, and I can't cry anymore.

I don't want to be this sad all the time.
Atleast I can cope better on these 'happy pills'...

Oh well *hugs*

blessed be
xx lauren

*yawn*

soooo bored!!

I can't be bothered to do this room right now.

I need something to do....

"Oh Arrrooooonnn!!"

haha

nah

So, I'm sat here in my nearly tidy room, talking to Adam about his brothers hygene - yeah, we have some weird convo's.

Haven't heard from Arron in a while... miss him.
I hate missing him.

I need to put the rest of this paperwork away, vacum, and then take a nice long bath and shower.

Ugh, and thanks to Abby, I have to totaly remake my bed!
Little monster hehe.

I've not done any of the holliday homework either yet.
Ugh, or finished my library books.

I've lost my drive entirely.
I just sit on the computer and talk to Adam, Jordan and Kiran.
*sigh* oh well

I'm thining of stopping my fluoxitine course for a while, see if it helps a little. Haven't took it yest today, so I'll see how I do these next few days without it.
If I get worse, I'll just start them again - simple!

must remember to take my pill though - even though I really don't need to.
It's not as if I'm getting any!

I'm thinking about going to see Arron on friday.
Dunno why, I just.... think I should.
Even if it's only for a bit.

I know it's stupid, but talking to Adam has made me miss Arron so much. He's really similar to Arron in some respects - he's mega mega nice, and he makes me feel comfortable. Ok - other than that, he's totaly different... but still!

It's nice that both of us are open about the fact we have other relationships.
He's off to meet someone today actualy.
And Arron is at work with that.... girl *sigh* ; that he threatens to hug if she doesn't smile...

I know I shouldn't be jealous, I trust him. The thing is, I wish it was me that saw him 12 hours a day, and could hug...
I hate this whole situation.

I don't know what to do though.
I'm starting to think I'm just not meant to have a relationship that works.
*sigh*

I mean, yeah, Jordan says he loves me, and says he wants me and stuff - but the fact is - he's in Australia!
I dunno, I don't think I like him like that.
I mean, I like him and stuff -  but being realistic - never gonna happen.

Adam rocks, and I can see myself enjoying being in a relationship with him... but again, if I'm realistic - he's not ready for a proper relationship.
I don't think I am either.

And this whole thing with Arron is starting to crush me.
When I'm with him I feel so perfect; but when I'm not... he's just not THERE.
We barely talk or anything.
I just don't think it's working *sigh*

Like I say, maybe I'm just not cut out for the whole 'relationship' thing.

I just want way more than anyone is willing to give.

And I like too many people.

I still haven't got over TJ if I'm honest- but it's hard to get over your first love.
Evidently I wasn't his first love!! hehe

I think I'm going to have to break up with Arron.
I don't want to, but it's the only thing I can think to do.

I wish I hadn't given him my heart... things get so hard when you do that.

Aaaanyway, I'm gonna stop complaining and go :D

Blessed be!
xx Lauren

love this

These are the 12 signs of falling in love:.
12. You'll read his/her IMS over and over again...

11. You'll walk really really slow while you're with him/her...

10. You'll feel shy whenever you're with him/her...

9. While thinking bout him/her...your heart will beat
faster and faster...

8. By listening to his/her voice...you'll smile for no reason.

7. While looking at him/her..you cant see the other
people around you...you can only see that person...

6. You'll start listening to SLOW songs.

5. He/She becomes all you think about.

4. You'll get high just by their smell...

3. You'll realize that you're always smiling to yourself
when you think about them..

2. You'll do anything for him/her...

1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.

The tears of my innocence are long gone; because my innocence is gone.
Maybe not all of it, but enough to leave me hollow - older - more cynical.
My naivity has been wiped away by boys and men alike.
The girls in my life have taught me humiliation, and competition.
Part of me wishes I still had that innocence, that lack of knowledge... but another part knows my knowledge is incomplete.
There are yet more things to come that will horrify me, take more of my innocence, teach me more of humanities capabiility to use and destroy others - our ability as a race to destroy lives.

I've have made my self a stone, and I have let others spill me
Who now shall kill me?

I shouldn't corrupt that poem in such a way, I know, but it's how I feel.

For those of you who don't know, I'm refering to the last stanza of 'Prayer Before Birth'  :
"Let them not make me a stone
And let them not spill me
Otherwise kill me."

The line always stayed with me, though I don't know why.

Anyway -
I sent an email to Arron today, trying to explain. I ended up rambling and being pathetic.
I'm always pathetic when I'm around him.

I can't be myself.
Because myself isn't good enough.


I'm sick of being told I'm beautiful.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly - but beautiful is wrong too.
I'm just me - I wish people could see me as I am, not as something worse or better.
It bugs me somehow.

The only guy who does it that doesn't bug me, or make me squirm, is... wait - no, thats not true. I always get highly embarrassed and irritated when people say it. Girl or boy.
I like people who just... take me for who I am. Don't compliment me, don't put me on a pedastal, but don't dismiss me or put me down. They're the best people in the world; because they're real.

*sigh* I'm tired of pretending. I just don't know how to be me.
I'm so many different things, that I try and pick one... and I can't... because 'one' isn't me... I'm all of them.
I'm the bitch, the saint, the loony, the lovely, the intelligent, the light hearted and the serious... but I keep trying to pick one.
I lie too much - that's my problem.
I tell people what I think they want to hear too often.

I'm afraid of being honest, because I might let someone in.
I'm terrified of letting down my walls. I get hurt too easily.
So I lie, I pretend, then I push people away - claiming they don't know me. Infact, it's because I don't let them know me.
I show them part of me, and hide the rest.

I refuse to continue this.
From now on, people get all of me.
Pissed off, happy as hell, sweet and evil.

My friends deserve that - I think...
I just hope they can take it is all. I can be pretty extreme.

Wish me luck.

xx Lauren xx

I'm really confused.

Why do I feel this way??

Okay, so I froze out with Jordan.
that line "if you were here I'd put a ring on your finger"
too serious - too fast - scary!
He's always *touching* or *holding* or *kissing* too. We never talk.

Arron's not speaking to me, and that hurts - though I don't see why. I don't think about him until Stuart (his uncle) comes online.
Maybe I'm not letting myself think about him?

Adam is being so awesome though.
Read my bloody diary!! Only ever had Kiran do that before.
The thing with him is - I can talk to him... about alsorts.
I actualy trust him. I think we could be really good friends...
I love talkin dirty with him though... so... maybe more...

I'm not ready to move on though.
Not yet.
I let myself fall for Arron - no, thats not right; I made myself fall for Arron.
I can't even remember why now.
He holds me right - that's a lot of it. But Kiran's right - I need more than just hugs and being held.
I made him into perfection... when he actualy drives me nutts with his bad jokes and smoking... and sheer stupidity.

I'm trying to keep things light between me and Adam. I don't wanna screw up a friendship by pushing it too far. He really is a great guy.
I luv him, but I dont think I love him.
Thank god! I've only known him 2 days really.

Either way, he's kept me smiling most of the day.
Got all sad when I read about what happened between him and his ex. Bless him.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed now.
My awefull, lumpy, small bed.

This is only a problem since SOMEONE started describing their nice comfy bed.

Oh well, gonna go cry :D

Have a giggle

Blessed be
xx Sophia

I will continue to forget that other people can read this diary.
Including the people I've written about.

I must be really blonde!

Ok - I'm used to surviving on way more than 2 hours sleep.
Having to actualy tidy my room after lastnight is just cruel and exhausting.

*yawns*

I've been rude all morning - i don't know whats gotten into me.
[Beetle Geuse], [deamon90002004], [pills] - I blame you guys!

I'm not used to all this attention from gorgeous guys, it makes me go all rude.

*Note to self* When it gets to 5 am and your still talking to Adam - stop and go to sleep.
7:30 before we stopped and fell asleep.

I wish I'd slept in a bed lastnight though - my back hurts after sleeping on the floor. OK - so Adam told me off already - don't you start too.

Will is being too quiet - it's scary!
I'm wondering if his arm is really bothering him... or if I've pissed him off. So typical of me to do that.

Kiran keeps giving me these long reprimands about talking to guys that aren't my boyfriend.
I can't help it if they're really nice and stuff though!

Besides, I've never been good at the whole "faithfull" thing. Especialy when I get ignored by him all the time...
It just seems strange that these people I've never met have so much more time for me than my own boyfriend.
They make me feel all special.

All I want is a hug - but so often it goes further. I mean, I could always just stop them, but I like the hugs.
I figure, it's just words.
Okay, it's not just words all the time... but I can't help how I feel.

I've been really frustrated lately - both emotionaly and sexualy.
This is probably just me trying to get it out of my system.

I really hope I'm not using anyone here. That would suck big time.

*yawns* I'm so tired, no wonder all of this is coming out!

I'm gonna have a good sleep tonight - I hope!

I just wish my bed was comfier - and yeah, I wish I didn't want to go share someone elses. I sleep so much better in a mans arms though.
I guess the problem is, when you share a bed with a guy, they're expecting... well... yeah.
And knowing me, I'd go along with it, just to be held like that.
I'm so fucked up right now. Kiran's right, I should break it off with all the men I know. Just remove the temptation to flirt, or give myself up. I give in too easily.

*sigh* I'm not ready to change right now.
I've cried too many tears, and drowned too long in misery.
I'm gonna cling to any joy I can right now.


Well, Blessed be!
xx Sophia

New free verse poem. Let me know what you think.
need a tittle



Let me pin you down and kiss your mouth.
Let me touch your skin with the tips of my fingers, and the warmth of my lips.
Let me bite your neck gently while my hands rove over you.
Feel me push against you with lust.
Feel my hands move over your most sensitive of areas.
Feel my mouth slide over your member hungrily.
Hold me as I push you in me.
Hold me as I call your name in ecstasy.
Hold me as I grind against you.
Feel my hot breath against your skin.
Feel my teeth touch your chest.
Feel my hands pull you closer.
Touch me in the right place, you know how.
Touch me hard or soft, fast or slow.
Touch me when I make you want me.
Feel my heat as I lick you.
Feel my tightness breaking for you.
Feel my need for you.
Kiss me on the lips when you want me.
Kiss my neck when you need me.
Kiss my breast to turn me on.
Feel me shake and shiver.
Feel me tighten around you.
Feel me pull you in me again and again.
Hold me as I moan
Hold me as I collapse on your chest.
Hold me as I tell you you’re the best.


hugs and kisses

dear diary
Today I realised all men are pretty much the same.
I should realy try and remember that.

They say them love me
I let them hug me
But I should really know
They kiss me, hold me
Then they fuck me
Then they always go.

I don't get why I'm so... so stupid!
I'm sick of feeling this way.

please, just hold me while I cry

dont say it'll be ok - just hold me

Okay, so lately I've been cybering ... a lot... but today was different.
Jordan was... different to everyone else - and I don't know how.

If he wasn't so far away I would be sooo confused right now. He's intelligent, he's into the same stuff as me, he's a wrestler, he's funny, and caring, and... I dunno... perfect I guess.

I don't know why I talked to him realy, I told him he had the coolest hair ever. He does - it's black, and blue, and purple, and red. I love it lol
Then we got chatting, and he was acting as if I was some beauty from afar almost. He told me my beauty made Aphrodite look like a hag.
Two things about this impressed me about this - he knew who aphrodite was/is (dependant on your beliefs) - and was also being sincere it turns out.
I think he's a bit blind personaly... but hey!

It's really strange, loads of people keep telling me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe any of them.
I think 'pretty' is about pushing it, so beautifull is way overdoing it.
But then Arrons Uncle said it... and i actualy believed him for some reason.
I mean, he's got no reason to lie - and no reason to think better of me that I actualy am... so... you know?
When guys say it, they normaly want something; when girls say it, they're just being nice; but when a friends relative says something... its totaly different.

Your own relatives either think too much, or too little of you anyway... other peoples relatives can be more honest sort of thing.

I'm all confused about how I feel though.

Last night, I told Will I love him (I've got to stop telling people I love them. I mean something very different to what they think) but I'm not inlove with him. Today I said I loved Jordan... because he said it first... and its rude to not reply the same... and I do really like him.
I think I love Arron - I sure feel like I do. I'm just tired of always missing him; and feeling like he doesn't really care all that much.

I think thats the reason I'll do it with anyone lately, I just miss Arron to the point where I'll do anything to make him jealous, even if he'll never find out about it. I'm trying to spite him... show him that I can get a guy tomorow if I want to.
The thing is, I don't want another guy. Yeah, Jordan's so like me, he seems perfect. But I've only known him a few hours.
Real love takes time.
Me and Arron have real love. I love him truely. I feel something more for him than I have anyone else. Even TJ.
I can't explain it. He makes me feel whole sort of thing.
But he's not really very romantic.
Jordan was on the verge of sprouting poetry.
He kept calling me Sophia - which I adore.
I feel like a princess when he calls me that.

Still, it's not REAL. It's still over the internet... it's still just words.
He says he truely loves me... and I'm scared I've started something again, like with Will.
I don't love either of them, I just really like them.
I love Arron - and no amount of flirting is going to change that fact.

*sigh* I keep digging deeper into this hole.
Maybe I'll be clever and build a ladder sometime soon...

Oh well, fingers crossed eh?

Blessed Be
xx Sophia xx

My new fave saying:

Can I have a hug if I promise not to kill you?

There's some really nice people on here. And some real cuntbags too...

strange that!


ooh ooh *waves franticaly* heeey!!
I didn't know you read this!

If I'd known you were going to read this, I'd have made it more interesting!

The most natural thing in the world is a hug. The sweetest thing a guy can ever do is hold you in his arms and kiss you on top of the head. But then you kiss him back... and then you can't stop kissing him, and holding him, and things get... out of hand.

Thats how guys always catch me out. They hold me close, and kiss the top of my head, and I melt. I'm theres.

I'm too easy really. All I ever want is a hug and a kiss, and I'm hooked.

Tips to guys trying to pull:
Slide your hand around their waist

brush the hair away from their eyes

hold them gently, but also tightly

kiss their brow, their neck, their cheek


it works just about everytime.

atleast, it does to me... theres something irresistable about a guy who doesn't push, but just gives you affection.

Arron's the best at that. He just holds me in the right places, and then bends down and kisses me.
God I miss him

blessed be
xx

*sings* you don't have to be rich to be my girl
you don't have to be cool to rule my world
ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time, and your kiss!

Never say I love u
if it isn't really there
Never talk bout feelings
if you really don't care
Never hold my hand
if u'r gonna break my heart
Never say u are gonna
If u dont plan to start
Never look into my eyes
If all u do is lie
Never say hello
If u really mean goodbye
If u really mean foreva
Then please say u'll try ..
Never say forever..
Because forever makes me cry

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last,
that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and
bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is
dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but
restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors
and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing
room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly
reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the
appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of
support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back
attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a
girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.


This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends
back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the
guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy
male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but
give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game
where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend
material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice
guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice
guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

*cries*

I hate me.

What am I fucking DOING??

I mean... cybering with a stranger... agreeing to meet up with Will... loving Arron....

Maybe I'm pissed at him, and this is my revenge.

I couldn't do anything physical... but over the internet I can pretend it's him.
How sad is that?

I need to get a life. Or see him.

I've found a diary entry in runes. Will have to translate it for you sometime tonight.

Very hot - can't believe I wrote that in school.
I know why I encoded it - that's the truth!!

It's kinda hard to read, because I didn't proof read it, but hey.
Here you go:

"
I can’t stop it. Every time I think of him imagine pushing my hands up his top, up his chest, and pulling his top off, then running my hands down his front as I kiss that gently, sweet mouth of his.
My hands caress his tight stomach, his arms are rapped around me, and his smooth hands are slipped under my top. They’re warm and strong, and he holds me with a quiet intensity, which he expresses with his lips, pressing against me with an urgency only equalled by my own desire for him.
I know I’m planning on waiting till I’m eighteen, but I can’t help it, I want him so badly. My hands are working on their own, slipping to his belt buckle, slowly pushing it open.
His hands slide up my back to the clasp of my bra and it click open as his belt slides apart, and he lifts my top, so I lift my arms in acquiescence. My bra pulls off with it, catching somewhere inside it.
As it passes my fingers, he drops it to the floor, and grabs me round the waist, pulling me close, and my hands drop around his neck. Our kiss intensifies, and my fingers dance in his hair as I feel his hands roam my upper body.
Again my hands seem to work without my mind, slipping between his arms and beginning to undo his loose jeans. As He pushes gently at my jeans they slip a little, and with an extra push, he lets them fall to the floor, where his soon join them. Both in seconds de remove each others under garments.
As we hold each other, kissing faces and necks, neither of us seems to notice how close we are until suddenly his penis pushes against my vagina and my body opens up for him to enter me.
His hands grasp my buttocks gently and he pushes into me slowly, then pulls out, causing my breath to catch.
As he moves in and out of me, my body responds, crushing its self against him, what had been slow and gentle, quickly becoming fast and exuberant.
How we keep from falling over, I don’t know. Our breathing is now heavy and synchronous as the moans escape my lips
.”Oh Arron” my voice is faint but reflects the ecstasy on his face.
As his speed increases my quiet moans become louder and we’re both lost in the ecstasy we’ve created.
He comes, ejaculating his sweet hot seed. The warmth spreads over my whole body, and his mouth catches mine as our movement stops. We drop to our knees, still holding each other with tenderness.
Then we’re laid down, our breathing slowing. My head rests on his chest, my hands on his chest and stomach. His arms cradle me and he rests his head upon mine. The feeling of safety and fulfilment overwhelms me, and happy tears fall from my eyes. My love is with me at last.
"



yeah, so I have some strange fantasy's...  you love me anyway

Blessed Be xx