The world is crashing down around me.
I can't find a reason to live, and the need to hurt physically instead of emotionaly is growing stronger.
I tried cutting my legs this morning, but my knife was too blunt. All I have is some redness on my thigh.

I know I shouldn't. I know its stupid. I just can't help it.
Atleast I'm not trying to cut somewhere leathal like my wrists, or my neck... I'm not trying to die, I'm just... I don't know actualy.
I can barely feel physical pain right now. It doesn't seem fair that I can't feel physical pain, but I have to put up with so much emotional pain.

I don't even know why every little thing hurts me so much either.
I mean, the whole Arron thing is hurting, I'm stressing about the homework I've not done over the holls, I'm becoming obsessed with my weight, I'm being sexual with almost anyone just to feel something other than pain.
Adam makes me smile - thank god he's there. Everyone else just seems to hurt me. I know they don't mean to, but they aren't honest with me.
I can't trust anyone right now. Not my family, not my friends, not my boyfriend.... yet somehow I trust Adam. My secrets feel safe with him.

I'm so low today - I just don't know what to do.
I'm not supposed to be like this on anti-depressants.
It's not right, it's not fair.
Maybe I was better off with the physical pain, atleast I could cope with that.

I'm tired of tears, and not being able to smile. I want to feel better. I want to be me again.
Maybe I should kill my computer and go be with people.... it's just, I don't think I have anyone to be with....

I've issolated myself so badly.
I just don't know what to do.
I think I need to go back to the doctors...

How am I going to cope with school next week when I'm like this??

I need someone to point me in the right direction.
I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair while I cry.

*sigh* one day, Lauren, one day you'll be ok.


Blessed be
xx

shit shit shit

I'm falling for him.

Must stop!!

I can't fall for him - i wont - I shant!

shit, I'm so falling for him...

I don't know what to do.

I've cried, and cried, and the tears have just stopped.

Part of me is scared, the last time I went this low, I cried... then went numb... then.... well, then I nearly killed myself.

All I can think about right now is how I want to die.
I don't even know why I want to die, i just do - and I can't help it.

I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to anyone about it.

I tried calling arron, but he didn't pick up.
He's probs at his cousins for his tea...

I'd call Kiran, but... I can't. I can't explain why, I just can't...

There's Adam, but I don't wanna bring him down again, he's only just lightening up as it is.

I can still smile now and then - thats a good sign.

I really hope I get through this one.

I'll draw you a picture
And I'll draw it with a twist
I'll draw it with a razor
And I'll draw it on my wrist.


I've never self harmed before, but right now I'm considering it. That knife looks so inviting.

I was going to cry - but the tears never came.

I don't get why I'm all upset now - i just want to die though.
I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to die - i don't think.
I can't believe I'm sinking this low again though.

If you loved me, you wouldn't let me go.

When all those you love shun you
Turn their backs on you
Leave you in tears
Alone with your fears

When all those that you know
Turn away and go
Make you want to cry
And you wonder "why?"

When you look at me now
And you wonder how
I can turn my heart to stone
Know that I've been spurned

Well, now I'm so tired. It's 8am, and Nalini has had me up since 7. Wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been on the computer talking to Adam until 3am...

I'm so sleepy - mum's falling asleep in the chair, and I keep yawning.

I've not seen 8am for weeks... this is *yawn* ... yeah....

I think I'm gonna cram some chocolate down my neck and pray for energy!
I called Arron last night... and he's promised to come see me sometime this week... but I doubt he will.
If/when he does, I think we need to talk. This whole 'being ignored' stuff is driving me fucking NUTTS!
If he's too busy for me, then this relationship is over.

It's not even that I like someone else (which I kinda do), it's the fact that he's never effin THERE. He isn't interested in my problems, because he's got his own. I'm not important.

You know what - fuck him!
I'm sick of his bullshit.

There's some actualy nice guys out there, and I've been lucky enough to meet some of them. Why am I hung up on this asshole who has no time for me?

Ok, I know the answer to that. Arron makes feel whole when we're together. He holds my hand, and kisses me so often - and his hugs are awesome... but I need more than that. I need someone I can talk to, someone who wants to talk to me. I could deal with the distance issue if I just got to talk to him more... but he's always 'busy'...

I can't deal with it, and maybe I shouldn't have to deal with it either.

I mean, yeah, when I start back in sixth form, I'm gonna have very little time anyway - but I'd make time for him... and theres some people I will be making time for.

I can't stop complaining, because I can't stop feeling like I'm about to die from this pain he's causing.
There's one person who helps lately, who helps me to forget. Who I can actualy be honest with, be myself with. I don't know if he feels the same though, and I just want to be friends with him at the moment.
Okay, friends with privelages ... but deffinately not a full blown relationship.
I don't think I'm ready for a proper relationship anyway.

I want a hug so bad right now.
Oh well.

Speak to you soon xx

I'm sat about listening to my fave classical tracks atm.
I'm missing everyone - since I've issolated myself yet again.

It hurts to even think about Arron.

I'm tired of life atm.
Not in the "I want to die" way
Just the - I wish I could sleep for a week or so - way
Or have somehting meaning full happen...

I'm tired of me.
I'm tired of who I'm trying to be.
I'm tired of who I am.

*Sings* I'm tired... tired of being admired...

gotta love blazing sadles...


I'm gonna lay down now and think happy thoughts... or maybe go get the phone and call my bf.
The ass hole.

Trying not to cry, and at the same time, I know I couldn't cry if I tried. It's very strange.

I'm just tired.

Gotta love the snoopy

Feel kinda sick today.

Went so low last night that I went and took my fluoxitine. It must be helping - if only a little.

My period started a day or so ago too - which is weird, because I'm on the pill - and shouldn't start my period till next week.

See? even my body is fucked up!

I started feeling sick last night actualy - though I don't know why.

Spoke to Stuart - got upset with Arron - hugged my pillow to fall asleep - couldn't cry.

It's as if all my tears have dried up, and I can't cry anymore.

I don't want to be this sad all the time.
Atleast I can cope better on these 'happy pills'...

Oh well *hugs*

blessed be
xx lauren

*yawn*

soooo bored!!

I can't be bothered to do this room right now.

I need something to do....

"Oh Arrrooooonnn!!"

haha

nah

So, I'm sat here in my nearly tidy room, talking to Adam about his brothers hygene - yeah, we have some weird convo's.

Haven't heard from Arron in a while... miss him.
I hate missing him.

I need to put the rest of this paperwork away, vacum, and then take a nice long bath and shower.

Ugh, and thanks to Abby, I have to totaly remake my bed!
Little monster hehe.

I've not done any of the holliday homework either yet.
Ugh, or finished my library books.

I've lost my drive entirely.
I just sit on the computer and talk to Adam, Jordan and Kiran.
*sigh* oh well

I'm thining of stopping my fluoxitine course for a while, see if it helps a little. Haven't took it yest today, so I'll see how I do these next few days without it.
If I get worse, I'll just start them again - simple!

must remember to take my pill though - even though I really don't need to.
It's not as if I'm getting any!

I'm thinking about going to see Arron on friday.
Dunno why, I just.... think I should.
Even if it's only for a bit.

I know it's stupid, but talking to Adam has made me miss Arron so much. He's really similar to Arron in some respects - he's mega mega nice, and he makes me feel comfortable. Ok - other than that, he's totaly different... but still!

It's nice that both of us are open about the fact we have other relationships.
He's off to meet someone today actualy.
And Arron is at work with that.... girl *sigh* ; that he threatens to hug if she doesn't smile...

I know I shouldn't be jealous, I trust him. The thing is, I wish it was me that saw him 12 hours a day, and could hug...
I hate this whole situation.

I don't know what to do though.
I'm starting to think I'm just not meant to have a relationship that works.
*sigh*

I mean, yeah, Jordan says he loves me, and says he wants me and stuff - but the fact is - he's in Australia!
I dunno, I don't think I like him like that.
I mean, I like him and stuff -  but being realistic - never gonna happen.

Adam rocks, and I can see myself enjoying being in a relationship with him... but again, if I'm realistic - he's not ready for a proper relationship.
I don't think I am either.

And this whole thing with Arron is starting to crush me.
When I'm with him I feel so perfect; but when I'm not... he's just not THERE.
We barely talk or anything.
I just don't think it's working *sigh*

Like I say, maybe I'm just not cut out for the whole 'relationship' thing.

I just want way more than anyone is willing to give.

And I like too many people.

I still haven't got over TJ if I'm honest- but it's hard to get over your first love.
Evidently I wasn't his first love!! hehe

I think I'm going to have to break up with Arron.
I don't want to, but it's the only thing I can think to do.

I wish I hadn't given him my heart... things get so hard when you do that.

Aaaanyway, I'm gonna stop complaining and go :D

Blessed be!
xx Lauren

love this

These are the 12 signs of falling in love:.
12. You'll read his/her IMS over and over again...

11. You'll walk really really slow while you're with him/her...

10. You'll feel shy whenever you're with him/her...

9. While thinking bout him/her...your heart will beat
faster and faster...

8. By listening to his/her voice...you'll smile for no reason.

7. While looking at him/her..you cant see the other
people around you...you can only see that person...

6. You'll start listening to SLOW songs.

5. He/She becomes all you think about.

4. You'll get high just by their smell...

3. You'll realize that you're always smiling to yourself
when you think about them..

2. You'll do anything for him/her...

1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.

The tears of my innocence are long gone; because my innocence is gone.
Maybe not all of it, but enough to leave me hollow - older - more cynical.
My naivity has been wiped away by boys and men alike.
The girls in my life have taught me humiliation, and competition.
Part of me wishes I still had that innocence, that lack of knowledge... but another part knows my knowledge is incomplete.
There are yet more things to come that will horrify me, take more of my innocence, teach me more of humanities capabiility to use and destroy others - our ability as a race to destroy lives.

I've have made my self a stone, and I have let others spill me
Who now shall kill me?

I shouldn't corrupt that poem in such a way, I know, but it's how I feel.

For those of you who don't know, I'm refering to the last stanza of 'Prayer Before Birth'  :
"Let them not make me a stone
And let them not spill me
Otherwise kill me."

The line always stayed with me, though I don't know why.

Anyway -
I sent an email to Arron today, trying to explain. I ended up rambling and being pathetic.
I'm always pathetic when I'm around him.

I can't be myself.
Because myself isn't good enough.


I'm sick of being told I'm beautiful.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm ugly - but beautiful is wrong too.
I'm just me - I wish people could see me as I am, not as something worse or better.
It bugs me somehow.

The only guy who does it that doesn't bug me, or make me squirm, is... wait - no, thats not true. I always get highly embarrassed and irritated when people say it. Girl or boy.
I like people who just... take me for who I am. Don't compliment me, don't put me on a pedastal, but don't dismiss me or put me down. They're the best people in the world; because they're real.

*sigh* I'm tired of pretending. I just don't know how to be me.
I'm so many different things, that I try and pick one... and I can't... because 'one' isn't me... I'm all of them.
I'm the bitch, the saint, the loony, the lovely, the intelligent, the light hearted and the serious... but I keep trying to pick one.
I lie too much - that's my problem.
I tell people what I think they want to hear too often.

I'm afraid of being honest, because I might let someone in.
I'm terrified of letting down my walls. I get hurt too easily.
So I lie, I pretend, then I push people away - claiming they don't know me. Infact, it's because I don't let them know me.
I show them part of me, and hide the rest.

I refuse to continue this.
From now on, people get all of me.
Pissed off, happy as hell, sweet and evil.

My friends deserve that - I think...
I just hope they can take it is all. I can be pretty extreme.

Wish me luck.

xx Lauren xx

I'm really confused.

Why do I feel this way??

Okay, so I froze out with Jordan.
that line "if you were here I'd put a ring on your finger"
too serious - too fast - scary!
He's always *touching* or *holding* or *kissing* too. We never talk.

Arron's not speaking to me, and that hurts - though I don't see why. I don't think about him until Stuart (his uncle) comes online.
Maybe I'm not letting myself think about him?

Adam is being so awesome though.
Read my bloody diary!! Only ever had Kiran do that before.
The thing with him is - I can talk to him... about alsorts.
I actualy trust him. I think we could be really good friends...
I love talkin dirty with him though... so... maybe more...

I'm not ready to move on though.
Not yet.
I let myself fall for Arron - no, thats not right; I made myself fall for Arron.
I can't even remember why now.
He holds me right - that's a lot of it. But Kiran's right - I need more than just hugs and being held.
I made him into perfection... when he actualy drives me nutts with his bad jokes and smoking... and sheer stupidity.

I'm trying to keep things light between me and Adam. I don't wanna screw up a friendship by pushing it too far. He really is a great guy.
I luv him, but I dont think I love him.
Thank god! I've only known him 2 days really.

Either way, he's kept me smiling most of the day.
Got all sad when I read about what happened between him and his ex. Bless him.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed now.
My awefull, lumpy, small bed.

This is only a problem since SOMEONE started describing their nice comfy bed.

Oh well, gonna go cry :D

Have a giggle

Blessed be
xx Sophia

I will continue to forget that other people can read this diary.
Including the people I've written about.

I must be really blonde!

Ok - I'm used to surviving on way more than 2 hours sleep.
Having to actualy tidy my room after lastnight is just cruel and exhausting.

*yawns*

I've been rude all morning - i don't know whats gotten into me.
[Beetle Geuse], [deamon90002004], [pills] - I blame you guys!

I'm not used to all this attention from gorgeous guys, it makes me go all rude.

*Note to self* When it gets to 5 am and your still talking to Adam - stop and go to sleep.
7:30 before we stopped and fell asleep.

I wish I'd slept in a bed lastnight though - my back hurts after sleeping on the floor. OK - so Adam told me off already - don't you start too.

Will is being too quiet - it's scary!
I'm wondering if his arm is really bothering him... or if I've pissed him off. So typical of me to do that.

Kiran keeps giving me these long reprimands about talking to guys that aren't my boyfriend.
I can't help it if they're really nice and stuff though!

Besides, I've never been good at the whole "faithfull" thing. Especialy when I get ignored by him all the time...
It just seems strange that these people I've never met have so much more time for me than my own boyfriend.
They make me feel all special.

All I want is a hug - but so often it goes further. I mean, I could always just stop them, but I like the hugs.
I figure, it's just words.
Okay, it's not just words all the time... but I can't help how I feel.

I've been really frustrated lately - both emotionaly and sexualy.
This is probably just me trying to get it out of my system.

I really hope I'm not using anyone here. That would suck big time.

*yawns* I'm so tired, no wonder all of this is coming out!

I'm gonna have a good sleep tonight - I hope!

I just wish my bed was comfier - and yeah, I wish I didn't want to go share someone elses. I sleep so much better in a mans arms though.
I guess the problem is, when you share a bed with a guy, they're expecting... well... yeah.
And knowing me, I'd go along with it, just to be held like that.
I'm so fucked up right now. Kiran's right, I should break it off with all the men I know. Just remove the temptation to flirt, or give myself up. I give in too easily.

*sigh* I'm not ready to change right now.
I've cried too many tears, and drowned too long in misery.
I'm gonna cling to any joy I can right now.


Well, Blessed be!
xx Sophia