Another day home from being sick.
all weekend i've been suffereing from this illness and it seems to be getting better, but only at a slow pace. i even made my mom, nephew, and brother-in-law sick. i find it captivating how a simply cold can invade another human with a simply drink. amusing, indeed, but only for a moment. i have far to many things to worry about now. catching up in school, my personal issues, and my homesickness thats also taken ahold of me. i'd like nothing more right now then to be sitting with my dad watching south park and making fun of anyone that comes to mind. but, i have to stick to my plan and graduate. I still havent spoken to dennis.. its awfull not hearing his voice to comfort my hidden depression.
Perhaps thats for the best? if i DO hear him, would i burst out in tears and whine for god knows how long? gosh, i dont know.
my mind still feels like a blur. i cant think straight, really.. since returning home, i've heard nothing but yelling. my migrains have returned again. just as extrem as last time. i find myself almost in tears from the pain. stress related, i bet. i need an escape.. and dennis still hasnt talked to me. hes become so distant.. its been 3 days since i've talked to him...
I've been called obsessive. no. i just simply allow myself to dwell in the past every now and then. i have a beef with the boy, so of course i'd be a bit peeved at him. i'm not sure that will never go away. to me, its become apart of me. I allowed that to control me. i was a fool to do so. letting emotions run ones life can be a bomb of an outcome, and i believe i'm a perfect example. i DID find out a few things about myself. i'm messed up. i really am. i didnt think it was possible. i have the false reaity.. i have that fantasy world. its all crumbling now. since moving to arkansas.. i've lost my happiness even more. i hate to say it. his words seem to be making since now. i had friends. i had REAL friends.. and i left them all. why would i be so stupid? they're all i had. but i didnt want to go back. i didnt want to have to face him again. i knew i wasnt strong enough. i personally think that was a smart idea. i didnt want to cause drama, so i didnt go back. logical reasoning, isnt it? but its only made me miss so much.... i cant even eat.. charley even threatened my life and i, being the IDIOT i am, challanged him. acted like a smartass and got RIGHT in his face. that brother and sister bond we had is ripping apart. i can see that ribbon breaking. and food.. i cant eat anymore. theres never food. we're always without it. always too poor to eat. everyone is always fighting, yelling. its all i hear anymore. the constant high pitched noise of anger. i dont speak much with them anymore.. i just sleep, eat a little, and go to school. its a dull process. i'm not really sure just who i am anymore. each secrete of myself i uncover, i want to hide it. i'm my own battle. and no ones winning. its like both sides are at a halt.. no one will help me discover myself. no one will help me fix myself. i look in the mirror now and i... i get so confused. i dont know who she is. that girl on the other side.. she use to be happy. when did that all go wrong..? when betty died? maybe.. idk. that seems to be when everything seemed to fall apart. she was the glue that kept everyone together afterall. what am i going to do know? where do i go from here? dennis is helping be the best he can.. but this is a fight i have to face alone. this is a battle of the heart, the mind , and the very soul of my existance.
i plan on coming back. i plan on finding out just what is wrong with me. and if that doesnt work..
i plan on dying.
oooooh hooly niiiiight the staaaars are brightly SHIIIIIIIINNNE
- Eric Cartmen.
he may be the fatest thing that has EVER crashed into our planet,
but he can sing songs that touch everyones heart.
Charlie the Unicorn 2 Banana Song
Charlie, you look quite down.
With your big fat eyes, and your big fat frown.
The world doesn’t have to be so grey!
Charlie, when you’re life’s a mess,
When you’re feeling blue, always in distress,
I know what can wash that sad away.
All you have to do is;
Put a banana in you’re ear!
(A banana in my ear?)
Put a ripe banana right into your favourite ear.
It’s true (says who?) So true.
Once it’s in your gloom will disappear.
The bad in the world is hard to hear,
When in your ear a banana cheers,
So go and put a banana in your ear!
Put a banana in your ear!
(I’d rather keep my ear clear.)
You will never be happy if you live your life in fear.
It’s true (says you.) so true,
When it’s in the skies are bright and clear.
Oh every day of every year,
The sun shines bright on this big blue sphere,
So go and put a banana in your ear!
i expect tomarrwo to go well. ^^ i should be getting my phone tomarrwo, (pray with me) and my mom is on her way after a long time without seeing her. i've been oddly moodly latly at everthing!i woke up pissed off cuz the TV was turned slightly to the right. wtf? T_T a bit stupid, i know. but i'm purely unpredictable. xD which reminds me.....
i'm really hungery ._.