1stOF ALL FEEL 3 2 AD ME 2 MSN
mE ADDDy Is daddy_dano@hotmail.co.uk
OI OI OI
i IS 17 years old n from a Town Called Hartlepool in England

N OF ME HEAD!!!!!! N LUV BOOZE
Heya i am dano thats all i lyk bein called plz
i love tellin jokes here ar a few


At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from
the class, and she discovered little Johnny with a cat up his
pants. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"


Little Johnny started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear
the mailman tell my mommy, "I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"


One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They
were both n a k e d. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy,
what's that?" and Fred says "Th-that's...um...thats daddy's
rock." A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's
vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh..that..that's
mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says,
"I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out
comes pebbles!"


Three girls are sitting at a bar talking about how loose thier
pussy is.


"My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick his whole hand in
me." Says the first girl.


"My pussy is so loose my boyfriend can stick BOTH of his hands
in me." Says the second girl.


The third girl laughs as she slides down the bar stool....


Lol
[A girls first time]
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all,it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
[Nawty nawty. What were you thinking? PERVERT I know what you were thinking! lol !]


X=done
_=not done
(X) BEEN DRUNK
(X) SMOKED POT
(X) KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(_) KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(X) HAD ANAL SEX
(X) BEEN IN LOVE
(X) HAD SEX
(X) HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(X) BEEN DUMPED
(X) SHOPLIFTED
(_) I BEEN FIRED
(X) BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(X) HAD A THREESOME
(X) SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(X) BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(X) CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(_) PISSED ON MYSELF
(_) HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) BEEN ARRESTED
(X) MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(X) STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(X) WENT ON A BLIND DATE
(X) LIED TO A FRIEND
(X) HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(X) SKIPPED SCHOOL
(_) SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(_) BEEN SKYDIVING
(X) BEEN CRUISIG IN M8S CAR
(_) WALKED IN ON FRIENDS HAVING SEX
(_) WALKED IN ON MY PARENTS HAVING SEX
(X) BEEN CAUGHT HAVING SEX
(X) LIED JUST TO COVER MY OWN ASS
(X) CUT SOMEONE AND MADE THEM BLEED
(X) TOLD SOMEONE I LOVED THEM JUST TO MAKE ME OR THEM FEEL BETTER
(X) EGGED A RANDOM CAR
(X) BEEN IN THE BACKSEAT OF A POLICE CAR
(X) EGGED A RANDOM HOUSE
(X) EGGED A PERVERTS HOUSE
(X) BEEN EXPELLED/SUSPENDED
(-) CHEATED ON MY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND
(X) took the mick out of a pervert
(X) been in love wif sum1 that i have never seen

This girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.


Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"


The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.


A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."


The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist." 


A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she decided to go for a walk when she was shot in the stomach.


The Dr. said the children would be fine but they would each have a bullet inside them.


It was sixteen years later when one of her girls came down and said that when she had a shit she found a bullet so the mum explained the story.


A bit later her second daughter came down and said when she went for a piss she found a bullet, so for the second time she explained the story.


All of a sudden her son came down in a right state. His mum turned around and said "Don't tell me you went to toilet and found a bullet".


He then turned back and said "No, I was having a w an k and I shot the dog!" 


I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic."Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying She thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up on the fat bitch.



this 1s kinda sick
There was once this happily married old couple, well, they were happy apart from one thing, the husband's bad habbit of breaking wind every morning.


On their 30th wedding anniversary, the wife woke up,as usual, coughing and and gasping for breath. She then decided that she was so fed up with this that she would get her revenge. So she went downstairs, into the kitchen, picked up a big bowl, and filled it with raw liver,mashed potato, gravy, red wine and minced beef, shemixed it all up, went upstairs and dumped the contents of the bowl into the bed next to her husband. She went downstairs and waited.


About an hour later, the wife heard acouple of huge farts reverberate off the foorboards and then she heard a blood curdling scream.


About an hour later the husband came down the stairs holding the "bloodstained" sheets and pyjamas. He then said


'wife, all these years you've been telling me, but i never did, but now i knew i should have listend.'


'What do you mean?' asked the wife tying not laugh.


'All these years you've been telling me that one day i'd fart my guts out, and today it finally happend. But by the grace of god and these two fingers i got them all back in again'  


There's a little old lady in a care home. One the second floor (where everyone sleeps) the corridor is around the edge and the rooms are in the middle.
One day the old lady gets into her wheelchair and sets off around the edge. On her first time around, a old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she has no registration plate "So can I see your papers, please?" he asks. She hands him a sweet wrapper, he nods, and she sets off.
On the second time around, the old man comes out of room 90 and tells her she is speeding "So can I see your drivers liscence, please?" She hands him a receipt, he nods, and she sets off.
On the third time around, the man comes out of room 90 stark naked with an erection, and the old lady says "Damn! Not the breathalyzer again!"
A man walks into a bar and notices a huge jar full of money hanging above the cash register. The man asks the bartender, " Whats with all the money?"
The bartender says," Well, we have this bet on. To enter for this bet, you have to pay us £5000 (hence all the money). If you win the bet, you win the money. No-one's won it yet. Care to have a go."
The man thinks, then says yes. He hands over the £5000 and then asks the bartender what the bet is.
The bartender says," First you have to down a bottle of vodka in one, then there's a vicious bulldog outside which needs a tooth pulling. Once you've done that, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who needs 'seeing to'.
The man downs the bottle of vodka in one, then goes outside where the vicious dog is. From inside the pub, they could here shouts of "Ouch!" and "Oh, your a little bastard aren't you?!" The man then comes into the pub and says to the bartender, "Right then, where's the 90 year-old woman who needs a tooth pulling?"


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.


My parents helped us in every way,my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend?
She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.


"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.


The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.


"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.


Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."



One day Superman was flying around and then he saw a superwoman woman lying on the floor with her legs wide open and in the nude!


The superman flew down and decided to give superwoman a good shag.


After 15 minutes, superman has done the business and then flew off to look for more insatiable women.


Then superwoman, still lying on the ground, shouts "What the fu k was that?"


Then the invisible man says" I don't know but my ass really hurts!"


Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about fullup at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"


The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."


"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.


"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."


St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."

The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."

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