Beauty
The Miss America pageant is very pro-education. They give the winner a full college scholarship. Which is just what Harvard needs, more bulimics who play the ukulele.
-Sheila Wenz
I can't believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! We're not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we're supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.
-Heidi Joyce
At the always hilarious Miss USA Pageant, Miss Massachusetts was crowned winner and vowed to fight "drugs and violence"-with her rock-hard pecs, I guess.
-Craig Kilborn
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
-Fran Liebowitz
There's no leeway for a woman's looks. You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.
-Elayne Boosler
Biological Clock
My girlfriend is at that stage where her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature.
-Kevin Hench
Birth
I don't get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
-Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born, I weighed three pounds four ounces. It's not that I was premature. It's just that when my older brother was born he left the womb a complete and total mess. I spent the first three months of my my gestation just vacuuming.
-Jon Stewart
If you don't yell during labor, you're a fool. I screamed. And that was just during the conception.
-Joan Rivers
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby beacuse it's in the water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
-Elayne Boosler
When the doctor asked me if I wanted a bikini cut for my cesarean section, I said, "No! A bikini and wine cooler is why I'm laying up here now."
-Kim Tawares
You take Lamaze classes. I went. It was a total waste of time. Ain't nobody going to breathe a baby out. There's going to be a fight.
-Sinbad
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