[Matt's Baby Girl]'s diary

42857  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-11-20
Written: (5085 days ago)

why im i so pathetic that i let ppl hurt me so much? the other day i was w/my frnds sara morgan and kayla and morgan says that she has 2 tell me something im like otay but then she calls ashley over (my ex(that im still n love w/) new g/f) and shes like "ashley ure b/f has been lying 2 u. he didnt lose his verginity 2 u he lost it 2 her *points 2 me* and she lost it 2 him" ashley wnt 2 matt and was like is this true and he kinda looked at her so she left thn whn the bell rang he was walking w/her and i grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him away frm her and slammed him against the wall and asked him wtf! i was like "how could u lie about something like that? i mean r u ashamed of what happened? i loved u so much that i broke a promise 2 myself just 2 feel closer 2 u and u go and lie about it 2 gt n2 some little beaver (this chick looks like a beaver) bitches pants!" he just looked at me and i was like why did u do this? thn he fucking smiled at me and said cause im an ass! i was like do u even feel bad about this and he said yes of course i do and i was like well u dnt look it! and i was trying 2 talk 2 him about this and the whole time he was just sitting thr smiling so i hauled off and hit him! knocked the mthr fucker 2 the floor and walked off thats whn it hit me i just collapsed 2 the ground and started crying i look at matt and hes looking at me still smiling while im crying ovr the mthr fucker and my frnds r trying 2 pull me up off the floor. i gave him something that i can nvr gt back something that he didnt deserve! and he lied about the whole thing 2 gt n another chicks pants i hope he dies really the seriously sad thing is that if he were 2 ask me 2 b back w/him i would probobly go! how pathetic am i? i let him hurt me and let him make me hurt my self! him having sex w/her hurts cause hes moved on so easily but its the fact that he lied about what we did what i did 2 express my love 2 him.

41834  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-11-11
Written: (5093 days ago)

life sucks ok just when u think things are gonna get bttr things get way worse i finally found a guy that i thought cared about me but the other day he broke up w/me when i asked him why he said that when he asked me out it was late at night and he wasnt thinking clearly on top of that my parents put me w/my gran but my granfather (step) is a pedifile and he raped me when i was little and now i gotta spend every day w/him and my parents went on some longass rant about how they wished they had gotten an abortion when they had the chance then my ex who i am still madly n love w/keeps writing me love notes but i have to c him every day w/the chick that stole him frm me and he says he wants me back really bad but he doesnt know what to do cause either way some1 gts hurt. i asked him what he wanted but he didnt answer me and now hes smoking when hes on po and he doesnt care if that means that he goes back to juvy for 6months which kills me cause i bet time away from him would do me some good n helping gt over him but i dnt want to gt over him i want him back
how pathetic am i killing myself inside over a guy but i still love him i dnt know what to do!!!!
last night i came home and i was all alone and i wnt 2 the kitchen and grabbed a knife and ran it along my wrist making 10 trails of blood that i just sat and watched as i cried over the things i cant change. im so pathethic i dnt even deserve to live.

40598  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-10-31
Written: (5105 days ago)

i had a horrible dream last night it was like evrythin bad that has evr happened 2 me! all put n2 1 dream and i woke up and had 2 go throw up
n the dream i was 5 again and my step- granpa was taking me 2 his room again we were the only 1es n the house and i knew what was coming and i knew that i hated it and it was wrong but i was 2 scared 2 stop it or tell n-e 1 till i was 7 evry day he would send my gran away and take me 2 his bedrm and the images the feelings still haunt me
thn i wnt 2 whn i was 13 and my b/f tried 2 talk me n2 having sex w/him and i refused that was the 1st time i died
i remember waking up n the hospital the nurses and the doctors screaming things i couldnt open my eyes 4 a bit and my throat hurt it was hard 2 swallow and 4 some reason i couldnt breath vry well and my chest hurt my lungs were burning i couldnt member what had happened thn it came back nathan slappin me and me crashing n2 the table the blood running down my face hot and sticky and thn he jumped on top of me and i felt his strong hands on my throat and the air was cut off
the look n his eye is what i member the most the way he laughed whn i started blacking out.
i opened my eyes and i heard some1 screaming let me c her n the back ground i think it was my mom
i member my nurse she was young very prtty leaning ovr me and smiling
i member her saying we lost u thr 4 a second
thn it flashed through all the times i tried and on some occasions succeded 2 kill my self and thn it wnt 2 my days of drugs and white padded rooms how safe and secure i felt n thr like nothing could evr hurt me again
thn it wnt 2 my dad the way he could hurt me so bad w/out so much as a second thought about what he was doing
thn 2 my b/f matt the best thing that evr happend 2 me the times he hurt me then the worst day of all the day he told me he thought we should break up and i member feeling my heart stop and i member feeling as though i had been punched n the stomache and it jumps to me sitting alone n a dark room blood running n2 a puddle on the floor and i laugh b/c i know its all ovr soon not much longer thn i wake up crying couldnt breath and i felt empty worse thn i have felt n a long time

40124  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-10-27
Written: (5109 days ago)

oh my god! i had sooooo much fn this morning! i made a complete fool of myself wich is ok w/me! n frnt of our scool there is a circle and its surrounded by benches so the students who want 2 b outside n the morning can sit down and i got up on top of 1 of the benches and started dancing and cawing like a crow! it was gr8! my frnds all got around me and started dancin w/me and chantin go megan go megan and all the preps r sittin thr like ure an idiot which really i dnt care! and thn i went and layed down n the middle of the circle and started singin! at the top of my lungs!i had sooooo much fn! and i really dnt care that evry 1 thinks im a idiot cause im leavin n-e ways! hehe im goin back 2 frnship and gonna b w/all my frnds again! my ex-b/f matt who i am still kinda n love w/! wnt back 2day he just got out of reese he had 2 go 4 a while b/c he got n big trouble and that was part of his punishment. i really hope 2 go back and c him!

40014  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-10-26
Written: (5110 days ago)

i pissed my dad off last night because i came out of my room 2 go 2 the bathroom!!!! he grabbed me by my hair and threw me against a wall and started screaming about how he told me he nvr wanted 2 c me again and aparently coming out 2 use the bath room was a mistake! he picked me up off the floor and dragged me 2 the other side of the house by my throat wich really hurt b/c i couldnt gt my feet under me and he threw me down the back steps and told me i was a dog and i could go to the bathroom whr the dogs do! and he locked me out so i had 2 spend the night outside wich was really cold!!!!! i think i might b sick but i have candy now so its all good! cause i have so much sugar n me i cant b sad! its a less painful than cutting so....
though it wont stay down vry long! any one know a home cure 4 eating disorders?

39743  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2005-10-24
Written: (5112 days ago)

i hate guys at least all the guys i know they tell u they love u thn screw u ovr! it sucks i wish i could find a nice sweet guy that wouldnt hurt me and now i dnt evn know if im gonna b able 2 live w/my g-ma i called my dad a cock sucking mother fucker that needed 2 drop dead and go 2 hell and after what hes done 2 me id say hes gtting off easy! i have 2 call my po counseler and ask her 2 help me gt out w/out gttin other ppl i love n trouble but i cnt stay thr much longer my dad said hed kill me! im scared! i wish i could dissapear 4 a while but my parents know who all my frnds r and i dnt wanna gt n-e of thm n trouble so im prrty much screwed! i hate this why cant my rents just leave me alone! i dnt know whr 2 go! or who cn help me!

39665  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2005-10-23
Written: (5113 days ago)

i wanna die please god let me die!!!! my ex-called me last night and i still love him evn though he broke my heart ovr and ovr again and he was tellin me how much he loved me and that he was only happy whn he was w/me and i told him thr had 2 b some other time whn he was happy and he said now. i swear my heart stopped i miss him so much but i dnt know what 2 do things r so complicated rght now and if i move n w/my gran im sure well hook up again but what if i dnt what if my rents decide 2 ship me as far away as possible like they said they would? i dnt know what 2 do! im still waiting 4 cps 2 cum and talk 2 me and i really need 2 convince them 2 let me move n w/my gran or im gonna b screwed and i really need 2 figure out a loop hole so that i can move out maybe i can call my counseler and ask her 2 look n 2 ways i can gt out but i dunno im gonna have 2 figure this out on my own i hope not b/c i cnt handle much more of this! and i already know im crazy enough 2 kill myself. im not so much scared of death as i am scared of life w/out matt. he told me that as part of his counseling he had 2 make a list of all the things that he didnt need or want and all the things he did need or want and i was the only thing that he needed but he said that the only way he could have me was if he had life and 2 have life he needed food and water and air and he said by the time he was done he had barely n-ething on his dnt need list n-e more and that i was worth putting up w/the pain of life and the pain of evrythin else he would live and die 4 me! he told me that he knew that thr was no way he could live w/out me and he didnt know whr he would b if he didnt have me. so many times he thought about killing himself and thn he thought can i really leave her and it kills him evry day that he couldnt help me he said he feels weak b/c he couldnt save me all the pain iv had 2 endure all of it! this shit w/my dad, gtting raped, and having the world turn its back on me.

39615  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2005-10-22
Written: (5113 days ago)

ok life is not worth it anymore!!! i just got back frm matts house(a guy i really liked who i thought liked me) this morning whn i was thr he kissed me and we kinda started to make out thn he had 2 leave and i wnt back whn he got home and we were sittin thr watchin tv and he just kinda leans ovr kisses me and says we need 2 talk! listen i shouldnt have kissed u earlier b/c i love diana and im tryin 2 gt w/her and i dnt know why i kissed u but i shouldnt have! this is not the 1st time something like this has happened 2 me and im sick of guys jerking my feelings around AND i might not b moving n w/my g-ma as soon as we thought if at all which means that im gonna have 2 put up w/gtting the shit kicked outta me by my dad 4 a while longer! is all this worth it?

39491  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2005-10-21
Written: (5115 days ago)
Next in thread: 39613

things r gtting soooo bad! last night my dad hit me b-cause i came out 2 eat dinner. he started screaming at me saying i was fat i didnt need or deserve food. so im starving right bout now. i wnt 2 my room and grabbed my blade and made a line frm my wrist 2 my elbow and just sat thr watching the blood run down my arm. the pain kinda cancelled out how sad and mad i was soo it was gr8 but now im screwed cause cps is gonna wanna inspect my body 4 the bruises my dad left and whn they c what i did their gonna lock me up again and increase my meds which i havnt been takeing b/c my dad poured them down the sink! maybe i can avoid the padded rm by telling thm that?

38611  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2005-10-13
Written: (5123 days ago)
Next in thread: 38621, 38634

2day is the worst day of my life my dad beat the hell out of me n the CAR last nigh n the car and thn he finished when we got home and i came 2 scool 2day w/a big ass bruise on my face and on my back and on my arms and my frnd christena decided she couldnt take it any more and she wasnt gonna let him do that so she took me 2 the office and we reported it and the CPS is gonna come and talk 2 me n a bit and im gonna ask em if i evn have 2 go home 2day or if i can go gt some of my stuff and go stay with a frnd b/c now that i finally reported it hes gonna b pissed at me and im tired of takin a beating!

38532  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2005-10-12
Written: (5124 days ago)

i have the biggest crush on this guy jack evn though he used me.:( i dnt know what 2 do. this is like whn i was w/matt. he used me and abused me and treated me like a door matt and i stayed w/him through it all! the BIG problem i stll love him and i dnt want 2!!!!!!!!! i dnt wanna hurt ne more! im tired of guys walking all ovr me! i dnt know what 2 do about jack b/c he gts what he wants then acts like i dnt exist until he wants something else frm me and i love his attention so much i go w/it! how pathetic am i?

38429  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2005-10-11
Written: (5125 days ago)

i dont know what 2 do my world is falling down around me and i cant controll any thing. i dont know how much longer i can go on! i need some1 2 pull me back but evry1 has abandoned me!!!

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