Q:Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A:So they can float upside-down in the custard without being seen.
Q:Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside-down in custard?
Q: What do you do if there's a rabid elephant chasing behind you, a vicious jaguar to your right, a rearing horse to your left, and a bloodthirsty lion in front of you?
A: Get your drunken arse off of the merry-go-round.
Q:what starts with a F and ends in an U-C-K
Q:What starts with P and ends in O-R-N?
Q: How many moves do you have to do to put an elephant in a fridge?
A: Three! Open the door, put the elephant in the fridge and close the door.
Q:How many moves do you have to do to put a giraffe in a fridge?
A: Four! Open the door, take the elephant out of the fridge, put the giraffe in the fridge and close the door.
Q:There's a huge fire in the jungle. Which animal will survive?
A: The giraffe, because it's in the fridge!
Q:How do you know when your really ugly?
A:When a dog is humping your leg with its eyes closed!
Q: How do you know when a monster is under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling...!
Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: 'Cause seven eight nine.
Q. How is a computer like an air conditioner?
A. When you open Windows it won't work.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?
A. "Neat...Doughnut seeds!"
Q. What's grosser than gross?
A. When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
Q. What's grosser than that?
A. When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet
Q. What's the difference between a Porsche and a hedgehog?
A. A hedgehog has pricks on the outside.
Q: What was Helen Keller's favorite color?
Q. What's the similarity between these jokes, and a can of corn?
A. They are both corny.
Q. What do you call a donkey with ear muffs on?
A. Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Q: There is a smart blonde, King Kong, and Godzilla all on the empire state building. Which one jumps first?
A: None, because none of them exist.
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too if your name was Gddksfhgkjgkjshfagwlkjehwriuaw
Q: What's the sexiest thing on a farm?
A: Brown chicken Brown cow.
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Give them a simple question.
Q: What you call dog with no legs?
A: Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.
Q: Did you hear about the circus fire?
A: It was intense.
Q: There is an all purple one story house. The walls are purple, the carpet is purple, the shutters are purple, everything is purple. What color are the stairs?
A: There are no stairs; it's a one story house!
Q: Do you know what kind of world i dream of?
A: I dream of a better world, a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Do you know why little girls have it easier than little boys?
A: Little girls only have to check for a monster under their bed, but little boys have to check for monsters AND Michael Jackson.
Q: Why does Michael Jackson love 27 year olds?
A: Because there's 20 of them.
Why is a man like a packet of cards?
You need a heart to love them
A diamond to marry them
A club to hit the bastard on the head
A spade to bury the fucker!
Q.How do you know when elephants have been having sex in your garden?
A. The flowers are squashed and all your refuse sacks are missing
Q. How come dinosaurs don't talk
A. 'Cause they're dead!
A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed, coming towards him, one of his 85-year-old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him. When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me." Puzzled, the doctor asked what the advice was.
"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," he replied.
"Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very careful."
Today, several monks were arrested outside of the playboy mansion for selling flowers illegally on private property, until mansion owner Hugh Hefner alerted the authorities. When a reporter asked one monk to comment, the monk simply stated "We would have gotten away with it, but unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
"Honey," a man says to his wife, "I invited a friend over for dinner." "Are you crazy?" she screams. "The house is a mess, the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking!"
"I lnow all of that," he replies.
"Why invite him, then?" she asks.
The man answers,"The poor fool is thinking about getting married!"
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to the pleasent weather and a nice time together....
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a msessage that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address.
His message therefore was sent to the home of an elderly preacher's wife, whose even older husband had died only the day previous. When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at it, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead of shock. Her family rushed to the room where the message was displayed upon the monitor:
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here!
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1.Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
8.David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
9.When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
An Elf and an Orc talking to each other. The Elf says:
"Why are you orcs so dirty!?"
"We're not dirty! We wash every day!" answers the Orc." On the first day we wash our left hands. On the second day we wash our right hands. On the third day we wash our left leg. On the forth day we wash our right legs. On the fifth day we wash our faces. On the sixth day we wash our asses. And of the seventh day we change the water!"
Lipstick at School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There is a guy named Sipho and his friend has been shot in the chest during a drive-by shooting.
Sipho calls 911 and says: "Help me please! My friend has been shot! U have to come quick!!!"
Operator: "Alright calm down. Where are u now?"
Sipho: "I'm standing in Mississippi Drive."
Operator: "Ok, can u spell that for me?"
*There's a long pause...*
Sipho: "How about i just drag him to Gold Street and u pick him up there?"
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't
feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green
Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says
to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one
for the road."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was excellent.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
there was the person who sent
ten different puns to his friends, with the
hope that at least five of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
Not Your Everyday Blond
There was a blond and a businessman on a trans-continental flight. The businessman being bored decides to have a little fun. So he turns to the blond and says. “You know what they say about blonds right?” In no mood to deal with the businessman the blond just ignores him, but he keeps going. “Well, I bet $5.00 that you can’t answer a question I can come up with.” To this the blond replies. “Now why would I want to degrade myself so much as to do such a thing like that?” and promptly turns away. The businessman still not giving us decides to up the anti. “You know I bet you $5,000 cash that I can answer any question you come up with.” The blond thinks for a few seconds and decides that it just might be worth her wile. “Okay, but you have to go first.” The blond says. The businessman asks, “Who was the second secretary of state in the united states?” The blond not knowing the answer goes into her purse and hands the man five dollars. “Okay, my turn now.” The blond says. “What have six legs in the morning, five at afternoon and four in the night?” The businessman being perplexed for a few seconds opens up his laptop and starts surfing the web, and asking his chat buddies if they might know. After a few hours pass the businessman says. “Well, I give up.” And writes the blond a $5,000 check. The blond stuffs the check into her pocket and turns away again. The businessman wanting to know the answer pipes in. “Well, what is the answer?” The blond goes through her purse yet again and gives the businessman another five dollars.
Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought that the second man would have seen it coming.
There were two girls talking giving each other questions. Girl number one realizes girl number two isn't that smart, so she askes her a question, "What do you think is farther, France or the moon?" She askes. Girl number two looks at her funny and says, "DUH! Can you see France from here?"
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I want a motercycle helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish.
It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay.
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
So a guy and some of his buddys go golfing one day. The man comes home looking kinda blue. His wife askes, "Whats wrong honey?" And the man looks up at her and said, "Charley had a heart attack on the third hole." He said. His wife gasps and says, "How terrible!" Her husband looks at her and says, "Your telling me! All day it was hit the ball, drag Charley!"
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn’t take crap off anybody!"
They're boasting about race records
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
A man tells to a woman who's looking after her little kid:
-Ma'am, could you tell your son to stop mimicking me?
And the woman looks at her kid and tells him:
-Boy, I told you a hundred times not to behave like an idiot!
"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a man asked his preacher at church one day.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"Okay. In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year?"
Three women died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first woman, "What is Easter?" The woman replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second woman the same question, "What is Easter?" She replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second woman, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third woman and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third woman smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third woman continues, "Every February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch." FreakingHillariousJokes4