A man was driving his car down the road and it broke down infront of an old Monk Temple. He uses his cellphone to call the repair man and the repair man says it will take a few days. So now the man needs a place to stay. He goes up to the door and asks the monk at the front, "My car just broke down. Can i stay until the repair man fixes it?" The monk happily says yes and shows him to a room. That night he can't sleep because there is this really annoying sound throughout the temple. So the next day he asks the monk, "what was that sound?" The monk says, "I can't tell you because you're not a monk." So this continues until the car is fixed and just before the man leaves he asks, "What do i have to do to become a monk?" The monk smiles. "You need to know how many blades of grass and grains of sand their are in the world." So the man says the next time he comes to that temple, he will be a monk. So he travels for seven years and then his car breaks down infront of that very same temple. So he goes up and says,"Ok. I'm a monk. There are 3,750,374,749,392,749,572,518,304,217,163 blades of grass and there are 5,823,947,403,846,739,384,729,437,632,920,174,374 grains of sand. Now can I know what makes that annoying sound?" The Monk from seven years ago smiles and knods. "Yeah, I'll show you." So he takes him to a door and unlocks all these locks and fancy security checks and all that. Behind the door was................I can't tell you because you're not a monk.
A duck walked into a bar. Once inside he asked the barman “Got any Bread?”
“Sorry, no bread here” Replied the barman. A few seconds later, the duck asked once again “Got any bread?”
“No, I just told you we haven’t got any!” Said the barman, beginning to get annoyed.
“Got any bread?” the duck repeated.
“Listen buster,” Said the barman, leaning over the bar at the duck “Ask one more time about that darn bread and I’ll nail your tail to the floor!”
To which the duck replied- “Got any nails?”
The barman sighed “No..”
The duck piped up once more “Hmm….Got any bread??”
Three bats are competeing to be named the best blood sucker by Dracula. He tells them that who ever drinks the most blood will be named the winner.
The first bat goes out and comes back, a little blood on his lips. Dracula asks him "So where did you go?" The bat answers "Do you see that bell tower there? Well past that is a village and I drank the blood of ten people in the bar." Dracula says "Alright, not bad."
The next bat goes out. He comes back with blood dribbling out of his mouth. Dracula asks him the same question. This bat answers "Well do you see that bell tower there? Well passed that is a village and at the center is a school. I drank the blood of all of the school kids, their teachers, and the cat." Dracula says "That's really good, let's see if the last bat can beat that."
The last bat goes out. When he comes back he's absolutely covered in blood, its all over his face and fur. Dracula is very impressed and asks him the same question. The bat answers "Do you see that bell tower there? Well I didn't."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."
Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.
"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.
"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
Three old gents were out for a walk.
First one says "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says "No, it's Thursday."
Third one says "Me too, lets go for a beer."
So... two nuns are driving down this old road in the middle of a forest... suddenly.. this great big scary vampire jumps out in the middle of the road... then one nun says to the other "quick show him your cross"... so then the other nun winds down the window.. sticks her head out and yells "GET OUT OF THE WAY.. YOU TOOTHY GIT!!"
A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "dammit! missed the buggar!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs then takes his next shot.. he misses again and the friend says "dammit! missed the buggar!"... Suddenly, god opens up the heavens, sends down a lightning bolt from the sky and strikes the vicar dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Dammit! Missed the buggar!"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I have done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I have done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"
A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.
"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."
"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.
"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."
"So the bear injured his leg then," says the salesman.
"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drowned."
"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.
"Oh no," says the farmer.
"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.
"Well", the farmer tells him, "When you have a pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
A man and his family (wife and kids) are taking a vacation on an island when they are warned via radio that there is a horrible storm heading their way. The man gets on his cell phone and calls up the pilot that had flew them out a few days earlier and says "Come pick us up, there's a bad storm coming and we got to get off this island." So the pilot agrees and after a few hours comes and picks them up in his small airplane. The pilot says "Gee, I hope we have enough gas to make it back, it's quite a drive and we have a big load." They are flying and after a while he says "You guys, we really need to conserve the gas or we'll run out, we need to get rid of some weight." The wife turns to her husband and says "Honey, I know you really love your old blue refrigerator (he had it since high school), but it's the heaviest and we need to get rid of the weight." The man is instantly outraged by her idea and screams "Really?! Well how about all your jewelry and dresses and makeup?! Huh?! How about that?!" And he promptly throws her jewelry, dresses, and makeup out the side door. A little while later the pilot sighs and shakes his head. "You need to get rid of more weight." The wife says again, "Honey, get rid of the blue refrigerator!" And once again the man says "How about the case of photographs from when the kids were born and our wedding!? How about those?!" and he whips them out the side door. Again a little while later the pilot informs them that they still need to get rid of weight and the wife screams "JUST GET RID OF THE DAMNED BLUE REFRIGERATOR" but instead the man throws out his two kids. Same scenario a while later and the man throws out his wife. They're almost home and the pilot is really getting aggravated. "Dude, we need to get rid of more weight if you want to make it home." So the man shrugs and throws out the blue refrigerator.
There was a king who had a beautiful princess but he didn't want to give her hand away to just any prince. So he set up a competition, and to whoever won, would have his daughters hand in marriage. Three buff princes show up for the competition and the king informs them that whoever can finish the tasks given to them first will have his daughter. The king says "Swim across the ocean and back, and you'll receive your next task." So the three go jumping in and they're swimming for days and days just neck in neck and on the way back a terrible storm brews up. The ocean is brewing and huge sea monsters lunge up from the bottom of the sea and snatches up one of the three guys. The two return to the king and the king nods, satisfied that they completed the challenge. The king tells the two remaining, "Climb that mountain over there and run down the other side, and on the other side you'll find a desert. In the middle of the desert is a small cabin. My daughter will be waiting there for whoever reaches her first." So the two go running as fast as they can, climbing up the mountain, slashing out at each other as often as possible, trying to get the other to fall and such. They both reach the top of the mountain and run down the other side as fast as they can, still fighting with each other, trying to be the first to the bottom so they have a head start across the desert. As soon as they reach the bottom they both take off running across the desert, still neck in neck, and after a day or so they see the cabin in the distance. One of the two looks at the other and decides, screw this, and tackles over the other and breaks his neck. Now with no competition he slows to a calmed walk, getting close enough to the cabin to see his beloved waiting for him, waving gently as she calls out his name.
He never makes it to the cabin.
A blue refrigerator falls on him.
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildbeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
One day, an old man was teaching his grandson about women. “Son,” he started. “Women are strange and unpredictable creatures. If you put one foot wrong, they’ll pounce on you and rip you to bits. If you want to survive for more than five minutes with a woman, you must learn some key phrases. Firstly, remember – you were not drunk in the gutter, you were carrying out pavement analyses. You weren’t checking out other women, you were admiring the local scenery. And if she complains you spend too much time drinking beer and watching football, explain that you do it to give her time to go out shopping with friends.” The grandson blinked, when his mother walked into the room, obviously having heard the entire conversation. “I’m sure that was all wonderful advice George.” She sighed, picking the boy up. “But I really think you should have waited until he was past the bottle feeding stage to tell him.”
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
A woman is lyin in bed when her boss calls
"your late for work. Whats the problem?"
"I have anal blindness"
"Whats that?" asks the boss
"Its where I cant see me gettin my arse outta bed"
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman driver behind him was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration because she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
While still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into
the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
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