One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Two cows are eating in a field. One says to the other,
"So what do you think of this 'Mad cow Disease'?"
The other one replies, "What do I care? I'm a helicopter!"
Billy was in class one day when his teacher called on him. She asked him, "Billy, if you have 10 cookies, and I ask you for 4, how many cookies will you have left?"
Billy replied, "10, ma'am."
A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.
The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"
The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."
The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"
The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."
A man walks into a bar and reaches into his back pocket pulling out a 10 inch man. Next he reaches into his front pocket and pulls out a little piano. The little man sits down and begins to play Mozart.The bartender looks over and says "Where did you get that my man" The costomer smiles and replies "I found a small bottle and when I rubbed it a genie appeared offering me 10 wishes. I still have a couple left if you would like one." The bartender smiled "Yes please I would love to have a wish." The man reached back into his pocket and pulled out a bottle. When he rubbed the bottle a genie appeared. "This man would like to use one of my wishes." The bartender looked at the genie and said "I would like a million bucks." The genie replied "So be it." and went back into the bottle. About that time the door to the bar opened and in walked a million ducks. The bartender looked at the coustomer, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks." The costomer shook his head and asked, "Do you think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
one day a woman was shopping (as usual) and stumbled upon a shop claiming to supply perfect husbands.
"sounds good to me" proclaimed the woman, and proceeded inside.
once in there, she saw a set of stairs and proceeded up them. as she reached the 1st floor she noticed a sign. it said: 'these husbands are kind. visitors: 27.'
"ok, thats a start" she said. "lets see whats on the next floor" and carried on up the stairs.
on reaching the second floor a sign read 'these husbands are kind and honest. visitors: 43.'
"better. whats next?"
on the third floor the sign read 'these husbands are kind, honest and true gentlemen. visitors: 64.'
"hey! it gets better! ok, 1 more" and carried on up.
4th floor 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen and very forgiving. visitors: 85.'
"sounds good, sounds good! whats next?"
5th floor reads 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen, very forgiving and fantastic lovers. visitors: 110.'
"now thats what im talkin about! but im sure there's better!" and carries on her journey.
eventually she reaches the 6th floor. on the sign it says 'these husbands are kind, honest, true gentlemen, very forgiving, fantastic lovers and have a sports car and a mansion. visitors: 136.'
"wow! thats impressive!" says the woman. "i wonder what the next floor is?" and walks up the next set of stairs.
floor 7. she sees the sign (as usual) and reads 'women are never satisfied! visitors: 193,483,612,034'
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were
discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is
when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that
is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own
decisions and must learn about sin."
"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have
graduated from college and moved out of the house."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I
think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee . He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The second man had married a woman from Florida . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Louisiana . He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye -just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
”We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a
policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster".
He then takes her hand and says..."Secondly, he said with a deep sigh ... "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.
"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."
"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"
"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.
"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her,right?"
"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"
If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."