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Here are all the jokes from the book The Funniest Jokes From The World's Best Commedians I hope that you enjoy it
Note: It's going to take me a really long time to get it all done so be paitent and check back often, I will try to add some each day
I say to this dude with a "Stop Abortion" picket sign, "I have the answer to abortion-shoot your dick. Take that tired piece of meat down to the ASPCA and let 'em put it to sleep"
I'm getting an abortion. I don't need one, but I feel that as an American I should exercise that right before it gets taken away.
I spilled spot remover on myh dog-now he's gone.
Do you think anyone's ever bitten their tongue, and then decided to eat the rest?
How come the white male politicians who vote against affirmative action are always so willing to accept a handicap on the golf course?
I went to Africa. Now I know how white people feel in America-relaxed. 'Cause you hear a police car coming, you know it ain't coming after your ass.
Fuck the Gen Xers. It's their diapers that are clogging up the landfill.
I think I look good for forty-two. However, my skin is starting to loose its elasticity. I took a nap on a courduroy bedspread. It took six hours for the lines to come out of my face.
I turned thirty, and suddenly I was at the point in your life where you want to eat Fruity Pebbles. But you're concerned about the fiber content.
I'm getting older and I'm thinking about having my eggs frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on my cholesterol.
You know your getting older when the first thing you do after you're done eating is look for a place to lie down.
When I hit my thirties I found there's less hair on my head and more in my ears.
Old is always fifteen years from now.
You can teach an old dog new tricks, you just don't want to watch the dog doing them.
At my age, I'm lucky to get an erection. I'd be happy if a flag came out with a sign that said, "Hey thanks for the opportunity."
I can't wait till I get Alzheirmer's-new pussy every night!
If you're less then ten years old you're so excited about aging you think in franctions. "How old are you?" "Six and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. Then a strange thing happens, If you make it over 100 you become a kid again: 104. And a half!"
There's one advantage to being 102. No more peer pressure.
- Dennis Wolfberg
Ever get stuck walking behind old people in a crowd? No matter how hard you try you can't get around them. Then out of nowhere, they just stop, like their batteries went dead. It's like they have a sixth sense about getting in peoples way. They should be guarding Jordan.
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice?
If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten, used-up liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg.
-Paul F. Tomkins
I had to stop drinking, man. I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
My dad's life was a bender-mine's the hangover.
I don't need to drink to have a good time-I need to drink to stop the voices in my head.
Alcohol kills brain cells. We take the only organ in our body that won't grow back and we kill it for fun.
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
Drive-through liquor stores, that's almost a good idea. Just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. "Hey, no time to go to a real bar, I've got places to go, people to hit."
Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Dominos and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home.
There are two groups of people in the world now. Those that get pathetically drunk in public-and the rest of us poor bastards who are expected to drive these pinheads home.
If you get drunk, don't call a cab. That could cost you $20 or $40 or $50. Do what I do, call a tow truck. It might cost a little more, but your care will be there when you wake up.
I wouldn't stop drinking till the bartender said, "We got no more fucking liquor! Take your ass home, pal."
I can't hold my liquor in the winter. I'm pretty sure it's the mittens.
I'm an alcoholic, and I'm also out of shape. So I just joined a twelve-step aerobics group.
You have a baby, you have to clean up your act. You can't come in drunk and go, "Hey, here's a little switch, Daddy's going to throw up on you."
It's been over five years since I had a drink. I kind of miss sex.
I think tobacco and alcohol warnings are too general. They should be more to the point: "People who smoke will eventually cough up brown pieces of lung." And "Warning! Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
I have come to realize that we are truly on our own. Today, my wife yelled, "What do you want from me? I made you a bowl of cereal."
Remember, we're all in this alone.
I like to live alone, you never have to clean up. I find things in the refrigerator, I figure out what they used to be.
I have a list I made when I was twelve of things I wanted to do before I die. Omigod. How embarrassing. No. 1: Touch a boobie
People in other countries, they all want to come to America. They say, "You can eat twenty-four hours a day in America." I say yeah, they're right. If you have some money or a pistol, you can get something to eat.
The average American attention span is that of a ferret on a double espresso.
On the pioneers: That was very important, the wagon. Just as important as the wheels are today. 'Cause if the wagon broke down and you were too dumb or lazy to fix it, that's where you stayed. You don't think people headed out for Tulsa, do you? You know, everywhere you see a nice big spread in America, they got two broken wheels outside.
On the American colonists: They say, "We discovered new lands and territories." Hey, if you believe that, I can go to court and say, "Your honor, I was exploring some fire escapes and discovered this man's apartment. I planted my flag in his living room and now all his stuff is mine. Him and his wife came home-I had to shoot them, they were savages!"
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Is inteligence a liability nowadays? I think we can answer that with one word: Duh. America's never been what you would call highbrow, but these days it seems our collective cranial ridge is sloping like the shoulders of the bar boy at the Kennedy copound.
The people with brown skins were here first. The rest of you are lucky that the Indians didn't ask Columbus for his Green Card.
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
I don't understand people who go to amusment parks. I spend most of my time trying not to be nauseous and dizzy. "Excuse me, could you strap me upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let's bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas."
The Universal Studios Twister simulates the destructive forces of a twister so realistically that it was immediatly surrounded by five trailer parks.
Animals may be our friend's, but they won't pick you up at the airport.
I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.
If lobsters looked like puppies, people could never drop them into boiling water while they're still alive. But instead, they look like science fiction monsters, so it's ok. Restaurants that allow patrons to select live lobsters from a tank should be made to paint names on the shells: "Happy," "Baby Doll," "Junior." I defy anyone to drop a living thing called "Happy" in boiling water.
When I was growing up, we had a petting zoo, and well, we had two sections. We had a petting zoo, and then we had a heavy petting zoo. For people who really liked the animals a lot.
To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It's just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens
They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials. "Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious." Or "Gillette, beacuse 4,000 bald squirrels can't be wrong."
Dolphin-safe tuna, that's great if your a dolphin. What if you're a tuna? Somewhere there's a tuna flopping around a ship going, "What about me? I'm not cute enough for you?"
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