Hall of Laughs!
Entered by [Roosey
A duck walks into a store and walks up to the clerk and he asks "Do you have an grapes?" and the clerk said "No"
So the next day the same duck walks into the store and ask the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" And the clerk said now annoyed "No, and if you ask me that again I'll staple your mouth shut." So the duck shruged and walked out.
The third day the same duck walks into the store and walks up to the clerk and asks "Do you have any staples?" and the clerk said "No" and then duck asks "Do you have any grapes?"
Q.How do we know that a redneck invented the toothbrush??
A.If enyone else had invinted it it would be called the teethbrush not the toothbrush.
Norma lee who?
Normalee I don't go around kicking doors, but would you like to buy some encyclopedias?
Joke by [Mister Creazil
"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Nina.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never divorce."
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her. After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you
catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the
fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
Q. What is a polygon?
A. A dead Parrot.
I knew you were nuts!
[On Any Given Night
Three ecologists are exploring deep in the jungle searching for new plant life when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual "let's boil them alive" orders, when he gets an idea.
"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.
Half an hour later, one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his butt without changing his facial expression.
He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.
Ten minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries.
When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9..... ...then suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.
Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove up your butt, and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"
"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"
There was a millionare who was having a party at his house for his birthday and he said in the invatation that he will give what ever you want as long as you complete one task. So of course a ton of people show and he brings them all out to the pool in his back yard where He put Shark, Crocodiles, and Alligators. The Millionaire kinda of laughing says "If you swim from one end of the pool to the other end of the pool he will give you what ever you want." As he walking alway laughing he hears big splash and he looks back and a guy jumped in to the pool. The millinair just stands there in shock as he sees this guy fighting off the sharks, allgators, and crodiles.
He keeps fighting and fighting. Yelling almost the whole time. Finally some how he makes it to the other side of the pool and he gets out as fast as he can and stand there. He was bleeding badly but he was alright. The millionaire in shock says, "I am a man to my word. What is it you want? Is it my house, my wife, do you want money? What is it you want."
The man exausted says, " I want to Know who pushed me in the pool"
Joke by [bella-bee]
Cows don't go "who." They go "moo."
A little boy wrote to Santa one Christmas.
Could you please bring me a little sister for Christmas?
Santa replied with,
Send me your mother and I'll send you a little sister.
Q. Did you hear about the man that had his left side amputated?
A. He's all right now!
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Joke by [Ril]
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her
The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.
Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.
Wait! I haven't sneezed yet.
Q. Who killed Tony the Tiger, Tucan Sam, and the Rice Krispie elves?
A. A Cereal Killer
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an intelligent sentence can go out with me" The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the Golden Retriever and says, "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine!"
Q. How do you make an eggroll?
A. Poke it. =p
[On Any Given Night]
Who's there !
Figs who ?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken
Well the begining seems inappropriate but when you reach the end....well you'll see....
The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,
Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.
I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.
I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.
At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)
Q.Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A.To get to the body shop
[The Darkest Star.]
Will you remember me in a second?
Will you remember me in a minute?
Will you remember me in a day?
Will you remember me in a month?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME!
Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with two huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Senior, it's only sand," replies Jose.
"Sand? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them... except sand. Jose is detained overnight, and the sand is analysed - only to discover that it is in fact simply sand.
Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.
Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks, "What you got there?"
"Sand," says Jose.
A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.
For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected... heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"
Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies, "Bicycles..."
Q. What do u call a giant crying
A. The incredible sulk
A man walks into a bar with a shoe carton.
He puts the carton on the bar before he orders a drink.
Then out of the shoe carton jumps a 30cm tall pianist.
The little man takes out his tiny piano from the carton and starts playing and everyone is impressed, then one guy comes up to the owner of the shoe carton.
"Hey that is pretty neat! How did you get the pianist?"
"Well I have 3 wishes from god, I have already used 2 of them. You can get my third"
"WOW really?! THANKS"
"Just remember the old man is pretty far away so you have to speak clear, and yell pretty loud"
The man takes his wish and yells to god:
"I WANT 20MILLION KRONOR!" (swedish money)
And directly the bar is crowded with 20million grodor (frogs)
The man gets suprised and angry so, he walks up to the guy with the shoe carton.
"WHAT THE.. I asked for 20million kronor and I got 20million grodor!"
"I told you the old spirit has got a bad hearing! I mean who the hell wants a 30cm long pianist?!"
Ma mite, but dad wont.
Q. How do you get ten pokemon on a bus?
A. You poke-em-on. :D
Q. Why don't you pee in front of a pokemon?
A. They might pikachu. XD
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements.
After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators.
The engineer was a pretty popular guy.
One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going
down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next.
"God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
One day a rabbit and a bear were taking a crap out in the woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and asked "Do you ever have problems with crap sticking in your fur?" The rabbit shook its head "No", so the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit.
[I stabbith ye]
Three men were captured in war and were about to be shot. One was extremly intellegent, the other clever, and the other unfortunately, didn't have much going on upstairs.
The Cleverest man was lead out first and just before he was shot shouted out "VOLCANO!" The people who were about to shoot turned round and the man escaped.
The second man saw what the first did and decided to do the same, he shouted out "TIDLE WAVE!" and also escaped.
The third man saw what the other two had done and decided that he would be clever and do the same thing. He was led up and put infront of the men about to shoot him, then as they raised their guns he shouted "FIRE!"
[On Any Given Night]
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Three construction workers are on top of a building. The first one opens his lunch to find that he has chicken on his sandwich. "If I get chicken tomorrow for lunch I will jump off this building and kill myself!" he said.
The next man opens his lunch to find he has pork on his sandwitch so he says
"If I get pork tomorrow for lunch I will jump off this building and kill myself!"
Finally, the last man opens his lunch to find that he has beef on it so he also says
"If i get beef tomorrow for lunch I will jump off this building and kill my self"
The next day at lunch time, the first man opens his lunch to find that he has chicken. As he said he jumps off the building and kills himself. The second man opens his lunch to find that he has pork and he also jumps. Finally the third man opens his lunch to find that he has beef so he joins the other men and kills himself.
At the funaral of the men the wives are talking together. The wife of the first man says
"I thought he loved chicken! He never complained before"
The wife of the second man cries "Why did I have to make him pork?" They both look at the third wife listening for her excuse.
"Well don't look at me! He made his own lunch."
[The Darkest Star.]
Q. What kind of bees make milk?
A. Boo-bees! o.O;
One day during math class, the teacher asks Billy a question.
Teacher: "Billy, if 4 crows are sitting on a fence, and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?"
Teacher: "No Billy, I don't think you understand. There are FOUR crows and only ONE gets shot. So how many are left?"
Teacher (very frustrated): "And why are all the crows gone?"
Billy: "One gets shot and the other ones get scared and fly away"
Teacher: "That's incorrect, but I like the way you think"
Billy: "May I ask you a question?"
Billy: "There are three women in a candy store. One is licking her lollipop, one is sucking her lollipop, and one is biting her lollipop. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking her lollipop."
Billy: "Actually, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think"
There are two men sitting at a bar late at night. One of them looks over to the other. "Hey... um... so where are you from?"
And the other man answers, "I'm from Ireland"
"No kidding? I'm from Ireland too! Let's drink to that! To Ireland!"
"To Ireland" says the second man and they drink a beer.
After a minute the second man looks to the other and asks:
"So...from which part of Ireland are you from exactly?"
"I'm from Dublin"
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's drink to that!"
"To Dublin!" and they drink another beer.
Some minutes after that one of them asks:
"Where do you study?"
"I study at Dublin university"
"No, really?! I study there too! To Dublin university!"
"To Dublin university" and they empty another two beer bottles.
A third man enters the bar and asks the bartender:
"Hey Jimmy, what's up? Anything new?"
And the bartender answers,
"No, not really. The McDonald twins are drunk again"
A man walks into a bar with a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a dog, a cat, some gum, a ghost, a demon, an angel, three camels and a piece of string. The bartender looks at the man and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
[I stabbith ye]
Two Gold fish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
A middle-aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SLK. He took off down the road flooring it up to eighty miles an hour and enjoying the wind blowing through his hair. This is great he thought and floored it some more. Than he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a Florida highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and sirens blasting. I can get away from him with no problem thought the man as he floored it some more and flew down the road at over one hundred miles per hour. Than he thought "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing", and pulled over to the side of the road waiting for the state trooper to catch up with him.
"Sir," the trooper said looking at his watch. "My shift ends in thirty minutes and today is friday the thirteenth. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before I'll let you go." The man looked back at the trooper and said "Last week my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper said "Have a nice day."
One day a man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a glass of white wine. The bartender kindly obliges him and sets the glass down next to the man. The man takes the glass, sniffs it, swills it around in the glass, and the throws it violently into the face of the bartender. Before the bartender could even begin to react, the man broke down and started crying.
"I'm so sorry! I....I just can't help myself! I have some kind of complex or something! Whenever I get a drink, I throw it into the bartenders face! I'm so so sorry!"
The bartender, rather than being angry, smiled and offered to give the poor man the name of a great psychoanalyst that he knew. He then got a piece of paper and wrote down the analysts name, address, and phone number and handed it to the man. Thanking the bartender graciously, he left the bar.
Six months later, the same man walks into the same bar. He sits down and orders some white wine. The bartender walks up, smiling.
"Did you see that psychoanalyst?" He asked.
"I sure did," Said the man, "He helped me a lot!"
The bartender congratulated him and poured the man a glass of white wine. The man took the glass, sniffed it, swilled it in the glass a little, then threw it violently into the face of the bartender.
Dripping, the bartender looked at him flabbergasted.
"Wait! I thought you said that the psychoanalyst helped cure you?!"
"What? Oh, no, he didn't cure me. In fact, I still throw my wine in bartenders faces."
The bartender asked him, "Then if he didn't cure you, then what did the analyst do?"
The man thought for a moment, then replied casually,"I still do it, but I don't feel bad about it anymore!"
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