First of all im in love with vampires.. all of them..







I write... alot!!
Just some random thoughts

Why do you pretend like you care?
When you don't?
Sometimes i wonder if anyone does.
I put a smile on my face
Tell a joke to make everyone think im ok.
in reality im sick of my looks
sick of this skin
sick of the lines "we are better as freinds"
Don't worry about my feelings they are shot to hell anyways.
i guess i should be happy
guess i should be ok
i have a boyfreind who loves me
ill probably marry him someday.
but do i really love him or do i love the secret crush?
the one i say is just a brother to me?
just a freind to the outside world.
but when i lye awake at night longing to be held
is it the trusty, loving boyfreind that i long for?
or the blonde bestfreind?
there are so many secrets i can never tell.
so many things buried so deep
if i marry the trusty boyfreind will he forgive me for that night?
so much anger
so much pain
i don't disappooint people. i cant.
if i told anyone i would surely be alone
i would never be forgiven.
these lines are all a blur.
words just a jumble of emotion.
where is the love i read about in books?
the ones i read because my life is suddenly unbearable and i need a way of escape.
a blade does no good on numbed skin.
besides if someone found out my happy mask would crumble.
i dont need their sympathy
i dont need thier prayers.
im sick of God being pushed at me from all directions.
but im afraid to runaway.
i want only to curl up and cry.
but i have to remain strong.
i have to seem like im sane even if i know im not.
funny how blind ppl are sometimes
you can smile to thier face the fakest smile in the world
but they will believe it because humans want to believe happyness.
they dont like pain
not until their hearts freeze over and thats all they can feel.
wheres the sun when you need it?
why all the darkened skys?
these words make no sense yet my fingers keep on moving.
my feelings keep on flowing.
Guess i should stop writing
guess i've done enough.
i've had a moment of weakness and let the emotions flow.
i'll regret it later

Somethings i like..

Bendy Straws, Play-Doh, hoodies, vegetables, mashed potatoes, brocilli rice and cheese, ketchup, boys in girls pants (there are some exceptions that just shouldn't be allowed to happen), animals (especially ligars), Sharpies, new shoe smell, the 80's, spiral notebooks, snack cakes, bubble paper, sitting on the floor, standing up, water, singing (or screaming) in the shower, brains, mozzerella cheese sticks, looking dead at times, music, Peach Propell with Vodka, being tied up, staying warm, frogs, my Dr. Grip pen, listening to acoustic guitar, crushed ice, photography, swimming, toothpaste, piercings, boys in eyeliner, throwing my keys across the floor in Walmart, paintings, Mcdonald's french fries, orange and green scratchy couches, salt, pain, theater, cuddling, thumbs up, romance, walking, shoes, the moon, unselfishness, clean clothes, truth, thunderstorms, nerds, kisses, conversation, vampires, mystery, writing/reading poetry, sharp objects, juice, cheese, parks, darkness, Ramen, dancing, mirrors, style, candles, palm trees, fans, blankets, bean bag chairs, fireplaces, using my turn signal so I can hear it click, big cities, bottlecaps, low and long pants, black lace, silver, boys with hair in their face, thinking, buttons, socks with gay prints (rainbows, argyle, stars), flat shoes that everyone hates but me, eggs, the names "bob, fred george and kyle some times joe or moe," waterbeds, convers (just about every coler but the curse ed PINK)(I HATE THE FUCK OUT OF PINK ASK ANY ONE) , Screw you guys! Things I dislike or maybe even HATE: PINK, black pants with brown shoes, "players", the back seat (especially when the windows in the front are rolled down), waking up at a certain time, math, scratched cds/dvds (I rarely let anyone borrow mine), guys who know they are hot or act like they are, whiney/catty/bitchy girls (pouting doesn't count), warm sodas/water, onions, tractors, V8, huge eyebrow rings, basketball shorts or any kind of shorts ask Cooper, soap operas, tv evangelists, "christians" who get drunk and preach to me (its happened more than once, yes), people who sit and stare or fall asleep when they get high, working, washing dishes, labeling..


sad

I haven't seen you in a while little razor
i haven't felt your prick
that wonderful stinging sensation
that lets the pain fade.
even if its only for that one second.
i live for that one second.
the blood runs down like a waterfall in the sunlight
glistening, reminding me how cruel this world is.

He cares but his life would be better without me in it.
His parents could be proud of him.
His family could brag on him.
But instead they nag at him.

"Your girlfreinds more worldly than godly"
"Your not meant for her"
"Shes not your type"
"You should have stuck with heather"

I'M SO SICK OF THE LABELS
SO SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PUT ME IN A BOX
LEAVE ME ALONE
LET ME LIVE MY MESSED UP LIFE IN PEACE!!!!!!

He doesn't see me
in any other way than someone to talk to
Sometimes i wonder if he sees me at all.
Eyes on the prettier one standing next to me
So what if i disappeared?
He probably wouldn't even notice.
No one would.
Except maybe her.
But what influence am i if not a good one?
A bad one of course!
She has a physcho sleeping in her room with her!
I Think shes beginning to see that.
My heart grows colder
like the winter creeping in on a little small village.
Slowly the wind turns chilly
Then the frost begins..light and glistening warning of the coming Freeze
Then it falls
the snow
the ice
Just comes down one night when no one is around to notice.
I wake up..the freeze is here.
I don't feel love anymore
I don't want to
Love inevitably brings pain.
Sure some may call me weak.
I can't even handle a little pain.
But once you've had so many little pains
the little pains become big ones
than huge ones
than they never go away.
they are seemingly stuck.
the only thing changing
is the addition of smaller ones making that one larger.
My parents would probably care.
However in the long run they would also be better off.
My dad wouldn't have to nag me about college.
My mom would have my dad all to herself as i suspect she has wanted all along.
Secretly i wonder if she hopes i will die one day.
Well here i am granting her every wish.
Sure other people would be sad.
But the pain would fade away.
THey would go back to their normal happy lives.
they would "give it to god"
which i think is just a way of saying AAHHH who cares!!
but sounds better.
The razor twists making hearts,
pretty pictures on my arms.
If this is my final cut
i want to make sure the scars are pretty
Who knows?
someone might see them still engraved in my arm while i lay in the casket.
perfect,
unmoving,
finally at peace.
I dont know if I'll go to heaven or hell.
Oh well.
I've tortured myself all my life why not an eternity of it?
If i do go to heaven you better believe i have a few questions for the big guy upstairs.


I feel the prick
I swirl the razor
I see the blood

Blood
so pretty
so innocent
so pure
it swirls in
and mixes
with the tears

Goodnight everybody
I'll see you again soon
Whether its heaven or hell

Darkness...
finally...
here it comes...


peace.....

things i stand for

i can hear my mommys voice.
i can hear my daddys too.
all i ever hear is yelling.
daddy doesnt like me much.

i dont really know why.
what did i ever do?
im not even born yet.
i have no way to commit a sin.

i shouldn't be in here
in this dark little place.
its comfortable
but im sick of all the yelling

daddy says i was a mistake
and that im not even a baby yet
if im not a baby
than what am i?

probably just a mistake
probably just supposed to die

as much as mommy and daddy yell
i still love them to no end.
maybe after im born
they will come to love me after all.

i wonder what my name will be
jim? jason?
maybe
kristy? or carol?

i can hear mommy crying now.
daddy's not here.
theres another man talking to mommy.
telling her it will be ok

and that "it" wont feel a thing.
i wonder what they are talking about?
why is mommy so sad?
who is this man?

i can feel a weird sensation.
it kinda makes me sleepy.
ow! what was that?
no mommy no!!

what have you done my darling little mommy?
what did i do to you?
i dont understand.
whats going on?



I'm in heaven now.
the pain is no more.
i like my daddy now.
he tells me how much he loves me
and that he died so that i could live.

he also told me he loves my mommy
that he died for her too.
so maybe ill meet her someday.
maybe she will love me too.

but for now ill play with my daddy
and smile and laugh and play.
i wonder how my real mommy and daddy are doing?
i wonder if they miss me?

it doesnt rhyme or make much sense but ehh. whatever.





isnt it funny?

isnt it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?

Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?

Isnt it funny that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone

[- Are you laughing?]

Isnt it funny an emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?

Isnt it funny that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?

[- Im not laughing]

Its so funny that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.

Isnt it funny that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.

How can you call a girl a poser, how can you say "you're emo" or "attention seeker" without spending a second trying to figure out why there are cuts on her wrists and why she spends her lunchtimes crying instead of laughing with her friends

[- Keep on laughing]

Isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life

without knowing her situation with her friends

or her family

or her Life

Brave isnt going up on stage and stripping

Brave is not saying a speech

Or dumping your boyfriend

Brave is

Going to school on mufti day and not for a second caring what the whores around you are saying about your clothes

Its listening to your own music and being proud of it

Its going through every day with the things people say to your face and behind your back and you still keep quiet

Its knowing what your "friends" are saying about you and still calling them your friends

Brave is knowing that tomorrow isnt a bright and happy future

Its another day of bitching and dodging rumours

[- Laugh if you must, but it is NOT funny]