It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, "I'm afraid your cat won't last long. It's the Big C."
"What? Cancer?" I replied.
"No," he answered. "Curiosity."



Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A Dictator!



Two molecules were sitting on a bench,
One said to the other,
"OH NOOOO I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?", replied the other one,
"Yes, I AM POSITIVE."



Q. How much does a polar bear weigh?
A. Enough to break the ice. So how you doin? ;)

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Thanks [Deg] for the first joke, [Midori] for the second, [meismisty] for the third, and [Kaos101] for the questionable chat-up line.

Want to share your favourite jokes on mainstuff? Submit them to Elfpack Jokes!

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Marlene, his partner for 10 years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. Poor Marlene had been shot dead...

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate. Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
It wasn't long before this got on Harry's nerves, so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but despite his best efforts all the loon would say is "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"
So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was
"I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE....."

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It's an easy mistake to make! Seems like Harry was in for a surprise. Thanks [matty coppick] for submitting this joke.

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."


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Thanks [Cerulean Sins] for this brilliant joke. Let's hope she's not speaking from personal experience :P

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A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

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Thanks [HeAVenShallBuRN] for this submission.

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