Hall of Laughs!
There are 11 people hanging on a helicopter ladder for dear life. 1 woman, and 10 men. 1 has to let go or they all die. The women hangs her head and says, "I will let go." All the ment start talking about how brave she is when finnally she says, "I make sacrifices every day for my Mother, My Father, My husband, my son, and even my country. One little sacrifice for my friends is a noble way to end life." She said strongly. At the end of her speech, all the men started clapping...
Three men are playing golf. The first man to step up to the tee is Jesus. He sights down the green, winds up, and hits the ball. It rolls down the green to a small pond, but as it reaches the edge it merely rolls across the surface of the pond to the other side.
The second man, Moses, steps up to the tee. He also sights carefully, and hits the ball. It rolls down towards the same pond, but before it reaches it, Moses plants his staff and parts the water, allowing the ball to roll through safely.
The third man steps up to the tee and randomly whacks the ball as hard as he can, not even aiming. It sails through the air and bounces off the windsheild of a car and into the rain gutter of a small shed. It rolls down onto the gree and heads for the same pond Moses and Jesus hit towards. The ball rolls onto a lilly pad and is promply eaten by a large frog. An instant later, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog, and carries it into the air. The frog lets out a loud croak, and the golf ball flies out, landing in the cup for a hole in one.
Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing against your dad."
It's Christmas Eve, and three men stumble out of a bar and drive home. On the way there, the car hits a tree and all three are killed instantly.
They wind up in front of the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter comes up to them and says "Being that it's Christmas Eve, if you show me something Christmas-related, you can all get in."
The first man searches his pockets and comes up with a handful of pine needles from decorating his tree. St. Peter nods and says "Great, go on in."
The second man searches his pockets and pulls out some ribbons and bows from last minute present wrapping. He shows them to St. Peter, who replies "Good job, go on in."
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties, handing them to St. Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Panties? What the hell do these have to do with Christmas?"
The man smiles and answers "They're Carol's."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b***hes who want off, get the h*ll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b***hes who are getting on, get your a**es in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her. After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you
catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."
[Ł â Đ ŷ √IN Р ι п Ķ]
A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.
The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"
The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."
The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"
The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."
[yung n fresh]
A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It wont close properly."
To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says., "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, Ive had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"
So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."
"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.
"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
[i wanna b moose]
Q. What's white and can't climb trees?
A. A fridge
[::You're So Last Tuesday::]
One day a tour bus going into the Swiss Alps careened off the road into a jagged valley killing all. Upon arriving at heavens gates, there was God. He was granting one wish to each victim for their gruesome death. The first person was considerably ugly, and wished to be beautiful. It was the same story for the next person, and the next. It would seem this bus had been filled ugly people. When the last person was finally being served, God asked "Why've you been laughing this whole time?" The person then replied "Make them all ugly again"
[Down Inside I'm Bleeding]
Two muffins were cooking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the other and says "Boy is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"
The second muffins says, "AHHH! TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
A woman was at the doctor getting her yearly check up when the doctor asked her if there anything else he could do for her. She replied " Well...there is one thing. Lately my husband hasn't wanted to have sex with me."
The doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her "Put one of these in your husband's coffee in the morning and you will have sex that night."
So the next morning she pops one of the pills in her husbands coffee and that night they had fantastic sex! The woman thought to herself "That was the best sex I have ever had in my life! I wonder what would happen if i put the whole bottle in there?"
A day later the Doctor called to see how they were doing and the woman's son answered the phone. "Oh Hello Billy, can I speak to your mother?"
"Well can I speak to your father Billy?"
"Well whats going on over there?"
"Well Doctor, Mommy is laying in the floor passed out, the dog won't come out of the corner and Daddy is running around outside yelling "Here kitty kitty. Heeere kitty kitty."
A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note. While wrapping the gloves; the clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead. Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart.
I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I could have chosen the long one with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.
Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.
Just think how many times, I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Hollingsworth.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Q. What kind of cheese isn't yours?
A. Nacho Cheese
Q. What's grosser than gross?
A. When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
Q. What's grosser than that?
A. When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it doesn’t take crap off anybody!"
[Stewie Griffin (Insane Clown)]
Orange you glad i didn't say Banana?
[Wild Zubat Appeared]
Virgin girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A woman walks into a bar and orders herself a drink. While she's waiting, the man next to her looks at her and says, "You know, the beer here is magic."
She has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so she says, "Excuse me?"
"The beer here is magical," the man explains. "If you drink the beer here, you can . . . oh, I don't know, jump off of a building and live."
The woman, she's skeptical of this, so she says, "I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't do that."
"You're on," The guy says. He chugs down his beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and gets up. There is not one scratch on him.
He walks back into the bar and takes the 100 dollars from the woman before she says, "I'll bet you double that that I can jump off of that building and survive."
"Go ahead," The man says. She chugs down her beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and dies.
The man shrugs and turns around, holding the 100 dollar bill, and shows it to the bartender. "Look what I got!" Exclaims the man.
And the bartender replies, "You're an asshole, Superman."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he
said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving.'
[Wild Zubat Appeared]
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I have done in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I have done in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
Q. What does a pelican and a taxman have in common?
A. They can both shove their bill up their bum.
Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: 'Cause seven eight nine.
A duck walked into a bar. Once inside he asked the barman “Got any Bread?”
“Sorry, no bread here” Replied the barman. A few seconds later, the duck asked once again “Got any bread?”
“No, I just told you we haven’t got any!” Said the barman, beginning to get annoyed.
“Got any bread?” the duck repeated.
“Listen buster,” Said the barman, leaning over the bar at the duck “Ask one more time about that darn bread and I’ll nail your tail to the floor!”
To which the duck replied- “Got any nails?”
The barman sighed “No..”
The duck piped up once more “Hmm….Got any bread??”
Q: Which male animal is the most responsible father?
A: The male pig...because he brings home the bacon.
[The Shadow and The Light]
Not Your Everyday Blond
There was a blond and a businessman on a trans-continental flight. The businessman being board decides to have a little fun. So he turns to the blond and says. “You know what they say about blonds right?” In no mood to deal with the businessman the blond just ignores him, but he keeps going. “Well, I bet $5.00 that you can’t answer a question I can come up with.” To this the blond replies. “Now why would I want to degrade myself so much as to do such a thing like that?” and promptly turns away. The businessman still not giving us decides to up the anti. “You know I bet you $5,000 cash that I can answer any question you come up with.” The blond thinks for a few seconds and decides that it just might be worth her wile. “Okay, but you have to go first.” The blond says. The businessman asks, “Who was the second secretary of state in the united states?” The blond not knowing the answer goes into her purse and hands the man five dollars. “Okay, my turn now.” The blond says. “What have six legs in the morning, five at afternoon and four in the night?” The businessman being perplexed for a few seconds opens up his laptop and starts surfing the web, and asking his chat buddies if they might know. After a few hours pass the businessman says. “Well, I give up.” And writes the blond a $5,000 check. The blond stuffs the check into her pocket and turns away again. The businessman wanting to know the answer pipes in. “Well, what is the answer?” The blond goes through her purse yet again and gives the businessman another five dollars.
Don't cry, it's just a joke!!
Orangn't you gonna say goodbye?
............ *no reply*
(It's a knock and run!)
[Wild Zubat Appeared]
Cows say who?
No cows say moo!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
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