Please submit your Joke(s) on this page, at the bottom of the list and add a <hr> break between each joke following the format.
<insert joke here>
A guy gets pulled over, guy asks him for his name "Fred" "Sir, your last name?" The officer askes "I lost it" Fred answered. "How do you lose a last name?" "It's a long story officer, so bear with me." The man responded. "Okay." The officer said, humoring him. "My name was Fred Dingaling, I know silly name, I got made fun of a lot, but I kept my head down, made good grades and eventually became a doctor, so I became Fred Dingaling MD. After a few years, I got bored and went back to school, to be a dentist, after I got my degree, I was Fred Dingaling, MD., DDS." the man began. THe officer stood there quiestly, listening to the mans story. "After another few yeras, I got bored and began to fool around, contracting VD. So I was Fred MD. DDS. with VD. well ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS, so I was back to Fred MD. with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so I'm just Fred. The officer walks away in tears ripping up the ticket
From an Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Sohan and Mohan were discussing Sohan’s new computer.
Sohan: “My new invention is a computer that behaves like human beings.”
Sohan: “For every mistake it makes, it starts blaming the other computers”
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month scientists at Montreal University released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, begin to display many female traits.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR
A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
marrying you has screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming,
that's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
this describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
but I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other,
that is until I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and
so are you, but, the roses are wilting, the violets are
dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
but don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers >came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and >measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
A skeleton sits down in a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
[My Sky's The Limit
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?' The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.' The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little bastard
One day an unbelievably superstitious man hears a knock at his door, now this man is incredibly disabled and is no longer able to walk so naturally he just hollers from the living room of his small home, "Who's there?" he asks but receives no reply after a couple of minutes he hears another knock, this one harder and louder than the first. Once again the man hollers, "Who's there?" and again receives nothing but silence. The man is quite frustrated and scared at this point but attempts to discount it as just the wind. Another few moments pass and there is another knock this time, however the knock is extremely loud and the door and surrounding walls begin shaking and objects begin falling from the shelves. At this point the man is so frustrated that he screams as loud as he can, "WHY CAN'T YOU OTHERWORLDY BASTARDS LEAVE ME ALONE?!" the shaking and banging stops and the old man relaxes back into his chair with a sigh of relief as his son who just graduated from mime school walks away from his fathers home hanging his head and sobbing silent tears.
You have cancer.
[Diabetic Jedi Knight
] I hope this counts as a joke.
When life gives you turds, flush them!
Jokes will be reviewed by one of the Daily Jokers
. After reviewed it will either be moved to the secret page where we list Jokes to be featured, or it will be tossed out and removed. We will make a comment in the comment-box saying what happened, and why your joke was removed if it was.
Elfpack Jokes Elfpack Jokes Submissions EP Joke Rules Daily Jokers Hall of Laughs